Best of the Worst - Virtual Hydlide

A Guest Review by Jambo

This Review is part of our 'Best of the Worst' ('BotW') series, in which TGN writers/guests attempt to find the very worst games in existence, and offer proof of it's terribleness, in the form of a review.

• Game: Virtual Hydlide
• Format: SEGA Saturn
• Developer: T&E Soft
• Publisher: SEGA
• Genre: RPG
  

There are a hell of a lot of awful games that decide to ‘grace’ the videogames world with their presence, but now I believe we have a new benchmark to compare others against: Virtual Hydlide. This isn’t your average RPG. Hell, it’s not even sub-standard. This BotW is here purely to compel you to not ever consider buying this game. If it appears on eBay for next to nothing don’t even click on the link. Seriously, don’t bother. Now, onto the actual game...

Is it any coincidence that the two games I have elected into the BotW vault so far are both made by T&E Soft? Maybe, but it is not without good reason. Virtual Hydlide is an action-RPG which was released on the SEGA Saturn in 1995. The Hydlide series has been around for a while but has never achieved any large success due to it being seen as a poor man’s Zelda. The first game appeared on the NES, but fans(!?) of the series claim this Saturn version to be the worst. If that is what the fans are saying then you know it must be a true turd of a game.

Hydlide is the ‘magical’ world which you, the plucky, pixelated hero, must explore. Perhaps the magical part is that it manages miraculously to make every environment look exactly the same as every other, along with all the enemies popping up out of thin air. The story is quite typical of the genre, and indeed the other Hydlide games. A dark demon called Varalys attempts to take over the land and he kidnaps a princess who then splits into three fairies. The gamer has to track down these three fairies, find three magic stones, defeat one or two bosses and finally face Varalys in a climactic showdown. That is if you can slug your way through the terrible graphics and painstaking gameplay…

Gameplay that is far too simple, and this is where the game really stumbles. You have three different strengths of attack (though you won‘t notice the difference) and as you progress through the game you can pick up a small selection of analogous swords and daggers to aid you in this button mashing quest. For most of the game you are placed in a wide-open environment and are forced to follow a marker to your next destination where you may find an enemy to fight or you may just be flung to another dull and remorselessly samey environment (including a graveyard, a dungeon, a large field, another graveyard and some more dungeons). This ruins the sense of progression and makes the game seem forcibly dragged-out.

It really doesn't look that bad, but considering the frame-rate, this is probably a GIF animation of gameplay.

This quote is taken from the blurb that can be found on the reverse of the box: “Killer trees, deadly dragons and bloody-thirsty zombies are rife in this magical slash and hack adventure”. Now, call me cynical, but any game that lists trees as enemies must be approached with caution. The most damaging enemy, though, is the graphics engine. Unlike the previous Hydlide games, Virtual Hydlide escapes from the user friendly top-down view and takes the first steps into motion captured video. The result is an awkward mix of ‘photo-realistic graphics’ and a choppy frame rate. Although at first glance the graphics may seem alright, it isn’t till you actually play the game for any length of time that you realise just how slothful and distorted they are. When you get up close to a foe you can never be sure if your attack will actually hit them or if you’ll be made to just watch helplessly as the game slows down (and when it returns to normal you find that you are dead). Enemies flicker through walls, objects get grainier the closer you get and the scenery tends to move of its own accord. If you can remember the '80s TV RPG sensation ‘Knightmare’ then you’ll have a pretty good idea of what to expect… only worse.

Music is vitally important to videogames and a good soundtrack can heighten the senses and add emotion and emphasis to particular scenes. Virtual Hydlide prefers to torture its player with noise similar to that of a cat passing a 10 inch kidney stone whilst being stroked vigorously by an overly enthusiastic child with a terrible case of halitosis… with a megaphone strapped to its mouth. I suppose that is a tad undue, there are a few samples of music that rise to ranks of ‘run of the mill’, though it's the sound effects that provide the true anguish. Constant grunts of “Ungh”, “Aiee”, and “Squish!” quickly vex.

Knightmare was awesome. I'm gonna go YouTube me some Knightmare.

There are a couple of neat touches. The game uses a pretty good ‘weight-limit’ idea where the hero can only carry items up to a certain weight. This does theoretically add some strategic value but is badly executed and so in practice becomes a chore. The final dungeon is something that has to be seen to be believed. Without giving too much away, expect Tron-esque rooms coupled with the terrible, nausea inducing motion-capture; who needs an acid trip when you have got this?

The game tried something new. Motion-capture was uncharted territory and to try and use it in the RPG genre was a courageous move… but one that here proved disastrous. The idea of a photo-realistic virtual world was great, but the hardware limitations seriously destroyed any fun the game may have contained. Perhaps the worst parts are that VH contains no text and no non-playable characters to interact with, thus making the story a novel inclusion rather than a major driving point: there are no towns to visit, no side-quests to enjoy and nowhere to rest meaning that the duration of the playing time is a constant fight against ennui. That, and the lead character looks like a stocky transvestite… oh, and by the time you finished reading this you probably could have completed the game.

Twice.

Score:
9 turds out of 10

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Retrospective - Fable

• Game: Fable
• Console: Xbox, PC
• Developer: Lionhead Studios
• Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
• Released: September 2004
  

What with Fable II's release just around that proverbial and clichéd 'corner', it seems to make sense that along with it comes an inevitable look back at its predecessor, a game that everyone, thanks mainly to the game's creator, had extremely high hopes for. However, it fell short of those hopes (way short, some might say) and nobody but the aforementioned creator, Peter Molyneux, can take the blame for it. He was the master of his own downfall and he knows it. He has apologised time and time again, but, you know what? He needn't have, really. You see, Fable is still an incredibly good game, and no amount of promises of trees that grow in real-time could have made us expect the finished game that we got to play. It's by no means perfect, but it's still a rather exceptional game.

What really sets this game apart is the fact that you can really tell Fable was made by a British development house. The people of Albion speak in regional English accents; there are cockneys, scousers, brummies, geordies, Welsh, Scottish and Irish, with the beautiful Bristol accent taking precedent over most. It's also filled with very silly humour, something the British are famous for, and it seems the developer's main inspiration is Terry Pratchett. As a quick and easy example of the rather silly humour, your character is able to burp and fart at will; what this does is something of a mystery, but does it really need to have purpose? Farts are funny! That's not to say that the game doesn't get serious, because it does, especially towards the end of the game, when Albion comes under attack. For all the whimsy and charm in this game, there is a lot of gore that counters it, with decapitation being the bloodiest method of disposal in the game. There are even some afters - you can kick your enemies bodiless heads around. It's genius, really.

I played the game through to its end a few times, and my character always ended up looking similar to this wizard dude.

However, the whole point of Fable was that, dependent upon the decisions you chose and the way you played the game, your character, and the world around him, would change accordingly, and that each person who played the game would have a unique game-world, and a unique character. But neither seemed to really work, as Fable simply isn't deep enough. You see, for an RPG, Fable is not that big a game. The world is rather expansive, but because you're confined to narrow pathways throughout the game, it never really feels as big as it should do. Also, interaction with NPCs in Fable is rather one-dimensional; you get the quest-giving NPCs, who'll talk your head off given half a chance, but you can't really talk to anyone else, as they don't have the kind of scripted dialogue most RPGs have. Instead, they merely react to your character being in their presence. You can laugh, burp, fart, dance and whatnot in front of them, but, apart from their reactions, it doesn't really do anything. Sure, you can marry someone, but that doesn't really do much, either. Because of this, the game world doesn't ever seem to change. Your character, however, does change. He'll get scars, he'll get older, and if you're good he'll appear saintly and demonic if you're evil. But, again, because the game isn't deep enough, it really doesn't feel like your character is that unique. Play the game through a couple of times, and chances are that you'll end up with a pretty similar looking character each time.

Despite not really achieving what it aspired to, and not really giving you your very own world and character, Fable is still an incredibly unique game, and a very good one at that. It doesn't do much that isn't in other games, and its innovations are more gimmicks than revolutionary concepts, but what it does right, it does well.

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Poll Results - 15/10/08

This is a big old month for games, and despite it being halfway through the month, most of the big hitters aren't even out yet. I hope you all managed to keep some money in your account for these!

So, we asked you what your most anticipated games were for this month, or at least tried to. 13 people voted, 2 of them for Fable 2, 2 for Fallout 3, 2 for LittleBigPlanet, 4 for FarCry 2, and 3 for none of the above. No one voted for Saints Row 2, or Dead Space. But I'm just going to assume that people will be picking up most, if not all, of those games, anyway.

However, if there's anything to go by in this poll, then FarCry 2 is going to sell a bucketload. It does look awesome. For me, personally, I'm split between Fable 2 and Fallout 3, but I think Fable 2 edges it just a little. Expect a Fable Retrospective soon, people!

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Best of the Worst - Blaze & Blade: Eternal Quest

A Guest Review by Jambo

This review hails the first installment of our 'Best of the Worst' ('BotW') series, in which TGN writers/guests attempt to find the very worst games in existence, and offer proof of its terribleness, in the form of a review.

• Game: Blaze & Blade: Eternal Quest
• Version Reviewed: PSone
• Other Formats: PC
• Developer: T&E Soft
• Publisher: Funsoft
• Genre: RPG
  

When any product sells well, it’s inevitable that countless copycats will emerge to cash in on its achievements. The success of Final Fantasy VII in popularising animé-styled RPGs with a wider western audience instigated a flood in the genre. Some of the influxes tried to develop the genre further, such as Septerra Core, while others simply tried to ride the tide of RPG-hype and hope for the best. This is where Blaze & Blade: Eternal Quest comes in, complete with its own borrowed, broken surfboard.

Blaze & Blade is an RPG with a ‘twist’. Not only is there, as standard, a fairly lengthy single-player quest to venture through, but you can also play the whole game with up to three other people. Finding friends who are actually willing to endure it, however, is a completely different quest in its own right (and they may not be your friends by the end of the experience).

The game tries to combine the tabletop antics of a Dungeons & Dragons gathering with a straightforward video-game RPG, but the end-result fails to include any of the good bits of either ingredient (loosely put, the gameplay falls somewhere between Alundra & Gauntlet) - offering little more than over-simplified puzzles and monotonous hacking. The puzzles won’t keep anyone over the age of ten occupied for more than 3-4 minutes a time, while the agonisingly dull action could take a lifetime of therapy to forget.

Every RPG needs a strong story to keep the gamer engaged; the Final Fantasy games, for example, have always featured detailed, twisting storylines that capture and maintain the player’s interest. Unfortunately, Funsoft appear to have overlooked this, and in place of any semblance of story, the game’s sole focus is to force you (and your unfortunate allies) through dungeon after dungeon in pursuit of ‘magic stones’. Such dull, linear action prevents you from forming any kind of connection with your character, and the game’s non-player characters are just as unlovable, acting only to give you herbs and warnings about the next dungeons. The dungeons themselves look horribly samey, with only trivial differences between them, which means there’s little sense of progression.

Tsk. Delivering the mail is dangerous, anyway. A few demons aren't going to make it even more so. Poof.

The controls are clunky, awkward and generally frustrating. The basic controls are functional enough (one button for striking, another for jumping and another for your special ability) but the complimentary controls are awful: pressing ‘Start’ brings up the in-game menu, but in order to navigate through the options you must use the D-Pad and shoulder buttons, making finding items (and the map!) a chore and a bore. Even more exasperating is trying to use some of the items: this mundane procedure cannot be performed using the menu and must thus be executed whilst fighting in real-time. Since some of the icons for items look remarkably similar, you’ll often find yourself wasting valuable potions or casting the wrong spell.

There are a range of camera-angles from which to view the action, but none of them are particularly good. The bird’s-eye view can be toggled on or off - but once activated, only lasts for about five seconds before it needs to be reactivated! The other camera angles render the game near unplayable, regularly resulting in characters falling off cliffs, or being assaulted by off-screen foes.

Some of the other game-features are just as counter-spontaneous. Say, for example, you’ve just picked up an item and want to give it to a friend to use (a logical choice of action in a multiplayer RPG). You cannot simply give the item away; you must leave the game, go to the auction screen and sell it to the player for a base price. This upsets the flow of the game - but the real head-scratcher here is the fact that, these auctions aside, money has no use in the game world as you cannot actually ‘buy’ anything. Surely it wouldn’t have killed the makers to install a simple shop for buying/selling equipment…

It's really hard trying to find screenshots for this game that aren't either completely boring or set in this pub-type place. It seems no one bothered to get past this bit.

Another major fault involves the ‘random dungeon generator’ (which does exactly what it says on the tin). Work your way through half a dungeon then pop outside to save, you’ll find that - upon reloading - the entire dungeon has completely changed and must thus be reworked from scratch. One would have thought a problem of this magnitude would have been fixed prior to release…

So, are there any good points? Well, the character customisation is decent enough, with the player being able to choose from eight different character classes, and allocate attributes as they see fit (e.g. Luck, Power, Strength, Intelligence, etc.). You can also choose your sex (though there is very little difference in appearance) and the way you want your character to speak in the game. Though with the lack of any real in-game character interaction, this last feature is rendered useless.

It’s all a shame, as in some ways, you might try to love this game. It at least attempted, for its time, something slightly different in the RPG field. Unfortunately, it fell flat on its face at the first hurdle, and the end result is messy, unfinished, riddled with faults and glitches and, overall, a pointless purchase for even the most ardent RPG-er.

Score:
8 turds out of 10

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Review - Crysis Warhead

A Guest Review by Mr Party Hat

• Game: Crysis Warhead
  
• Version Reviewed: PC
• Other Formats: None
  
• Developer: Crytek Budapest
  
• Publishers: EA, Valve (via Steam)
• Genre: FPS
  

Aloha!


Ooooh!


Brrrrrr!


Korean!


Wait for it…


Boom!


Wheeeee!

Score:
9/10

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Feature – Paint By Numbers: The Racer

A Guest Article by Jambo

To be successful, every console needs a great racer. Sony has Gran Turismo, Microsoft has Forza Motorsport and Project Gotham Racing while Nintendo… well, let’s move on, shall we? It’s not just the 1st and 2nd party developers either, there are of course the multiplatform titles such as the Burnouts and the Need For Speeds which always seem to sell well and achieve more than moderate success. Anyway, intro aside, here’s what to expect from your typical racer…

1. The Racing Type

There are generally two main types of the genre outside of the obvious two-wheel/four-wheel: the Arcade game and the Simulator game (or, as some prefer, the street racer and the track racer). The Sim games are likely to be very popular, even though everyone secretly finds their difficulty (aka "realism") makes them unplayable. As a rule, Sim games include a ‘Garage’ in which to store your ‘fly wheels’ and make modifications to your vehicle. Most gamers will simply choose to try out different colours, add nitro options, place a huge spoiler on the back and try to make comical shapes out of the selection of self-design stickers available.

The second type is arguably more adored. Although Sims sell well, it is normally the Arcade racers that last longer. Triumphs of this type include both the Outrun and Burnout series. The arcade racer prefers not to place its head so far up its own backside that it needs a glass stomach to see out of, and instead offers innovation and above all: fun. Take the aforementioned Burnout series for example. A conventional Sim, such as Forza Motorsport, will reward the player for safe driving and maintaining a good driving line around the track. Burnout, on the other hand, rewards the player for causing huge pile-ups and forcing opposing drivers off the road in spectacular (slow-mo) fashion. As if that wasn’t enough they even felt the need to include a ‘Crash Mode’ to make the difference between the two types clear!

2. The Girls

Your typical mainstream racer will most likely try to entice you to purchase the game with pictures of scantily clad women adorning the box. The industry standard ‘Racing Babe’ has blond hair, wears hot pants and seems incapable of getting her bottom out of the way of photographs (especially when it comes to shooting the box art). The in-game role of this poor women is to calmly stand in front of a number of loud-engined vehicles and shoot a gun to signal the start of the race and then stand perfectly still as said vehicles proceed to go from nought to sixty merely inches past her. And her name doesn’t even get mentioned throughout the entire game! Talk about unsung heroes…

3. The Tracks

The Sim racer will pride itself on the true-to-life realism of the courses. Frequently used locations in Sim games are Edinburgh, Monte Carlo, Paris and London. The courses will often have surplus trees, one or two buildings and maybe a jump (if the developers are feeling audacious). This is in direct contrast to the mandatory dark grey streets of the Arcade racer, with the only light coming from the neon signs of seedy bars and clubs. The Arcade racer may use real locations but the developers will modify them slightly to allow for explosions and the lark (refer to Midtown Madness 3 for further research).

4. The Cars

Once again, the Sim will try to prove its worth by getting the official rights to use real cars such as Ferraris, Audis, Lamborghinis and Nissans, with the fan-favourite being a tie between the Nissan Skyline and the Enzo Ferrari. Of course, the downside to getting these official rights usually means that the cars can receive no damage in-game, leading to an criminally unrealistic experience in a genre that is supposed to be a simulator. The Arcade racer, on the other hand, will use its own brand of cars (sometimes only changing a letter in existing car manufacturers to create a new brand such as ‘Nossan’ or ‘Yotota’). By the end of the race your car will habitually only be recognisable by its license plate, and even then that has normally been lost somewhere by the second hair-pin.

5. The Racing

Again, the Sim is easily distinguishable from its Arcade cousin. A Sim type race is a straight forward tactical race to the finish line. The Arcade racer prefers to explore a different route by allowing the driver to destroy other vehicles or use items readily available on the track to give you an advantage. There will be countless occasions where you will be metres away from the finishing line only to be taken out by a well placed rocket. You are then forced to grudgingly sit in your chair and take the mocking from your smug friend like a man.

6. The AI

The artificial intelligence in racing games normally follows these basic rules:
1. No matter how well you race another vehicle will always be on your tail, ready to overtake the very moment you fractionally misjudge a corner.
2. As soon as you purchase/win a new car there will always be a driver with a better one that you will have to race.

7. The Soundtrack

Both types of racer tend to suffer here. The developers of Arcade racers believe that the gamer wants to listen to bland pop-punk and lyrically mundane hip-hop beats (I’m looking directly at you EA). The bands signed are usually ones that had huge one hit wonders then fell from grace. Alien Ant Farm, Ms. Dynamite and Feeder immediately spring to mind.

***

Overall, the generic Racing game experience can be duplicated by placing an issue of Top Gear magazine, some paint, a ridiculously large spoiler and an old copy of Maxim in a blender on high setting. However, once every blue moon an innovative racer emerges out of relative obscurity offering diverse gameplay and sublime modes as it sits proudly atop the gaming charts for all to see. Be it Sim or Arcade, the gamer doesn’t really mind, so long as it has plenty of leg room and hasn’t done too much mileage, they’ll be happy.

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Review - Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

A Guest Review by Falco

• Game: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
• Version Reviewed: Xbox 360
• Other Formats: PS2, PS3, Wii
  
• Developer: LucasArts
• Publisher: LucasArts
• Genre: 3rd person action/adventure
  

The Force has been Unleashed. LucasArts' latest game from the Star Wars franchise comes in the form of the Force-powered hack and slash The Force Unleashed. The key point about The Force Unleashed is the story, as TFU fills in the blanks in the saga between Episodes 3 and 4 and essentially links the whole package together. TFU centres on Darth Vader's secret apprentice, 'Starkiller', one of the most powerful Force users ever. Starkiller is a great character, and as the story moves on he becomes more and more likeable. The cut-scenes in the game really show off how cool he is; I mean on the scale of Star Wars cool, he's probably about as cool as Han Solo.

Gameplay is simple, you use your lightsaber and Force abilities to destroy everything in your path. The way the Force and the more martial talents go hand in hand is really quite something. One combo of particular note (X, X, X, hold B) slashes your opponent then slams them down with the Force, throwing them in the air allowing you to carry on the barrage with a couple more hits or a Soulcalibur like two button grapple (e.g. the X and A buttons). TFU is quite tough at times, so to prevail, despite playing as a Sith, you need to use the calm swiftness of a Jedi to get through. The bosses are merciless and are more a test of your newest ability than anything. They are like classic bosses of retro games, as each has a pattern and a weak spot you have to take advantage of. The sub-bosses, such as the AT-ST's, have you playing button combo mini-games to finish them off, a la God of War and the like, and it even though it looks fantastic, it can get quite repetitive.

"These are not the droids you are looking for."
"These are not the droids we're AAARGH!"

The Force powers are well implemented, especially the 'Grip' power, which allows you to fling the objects that litter the environments at your enemies. The way the environment and your enemies react is amazing. When you pick up a Stormtrooper they frantically try to grab hold of something, whether that be a comrade or part of the environment. Then when you throw them through things they bend, break and warp as you'd imagine them to; wood splinters, glass smashes and huge metal doors are bent apart. It really is incredibly satisfying.

The graphics scream next-generation at you, and even though the frame-rate can stutter a little, it never really drops too low. The fact the apprentice was in Soulcalibur IV means he doesn't look quite as cool as he can but even so, he still looks awesome. The graphical standard carries on throughout the game - the environments, enemies everything. Sound is incredibly important in a Star Wars game and it gets practically everything spot-on, especially the grand theme at the title screen, which is dark and inspiring in equal measure. The effects of the TIE Fighter's engines, blasters going off and the memorable hum of a lightsaber as it deflects everything the galaxy can throw at it are present and correct. The voice work is very, very good, especially for the main crew and Darth Vader. The fact the established characters from the movies sound so convincing just improves the experience.

If you're a Star Wars fan this is such a definitive purchase. There are many nods and winks to the main saga, and the story has many twists and turns before you finish this epic journey.

Score:
9/10

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