Paint by Numbers - The Lightgun Game

Ah, the light gun game. One of the last bastions of UK arcade gaming. If you’re out scoring some strikes at your local Megabowl you’ll inevitably see a small cabinet next to the pool and air hockey tables, conjuring memories of those old classics such as Time Crisis, Virtua Cop, et al. Why not have a play for nostalgia’s sake? But then it hits you: £2 to go on a game I’m blatantly not going to last more than 4 minutes on?! That’s 1.2p per every second spent playing! Are you having a laugh?! Jambo spares no expense as the genre is torn apart…

1. Peripheral vision:
Okay, you’ve spotted a cabinet or picked up a game, but you’ll need to get accustomed to the controller. The most widely used home console gun is the G-Con series, created by Namco, and for the most part it’s pretty good - if a tad boring. For the real hardcore out there, you can find replica sniper rifles at all good online retailers (and some crap ones too). However, if that seems a bit too over the top for you, there are some other choices. The general consensus seems to suggest that the best way to play these games is with some wireless light guns (the Joytech Sharp Shooter series is pretty much gaming bliss in this field). If you’re feeling slightly frolicsome, you can purchase two of them and go through the two player co-op mode for some dual wielding fun. Sometimes, the gun you use to shoot with doesn’t represent the weapon you’re using in-game. It seems a common misconception that automatic handguns are capable of firing both grenades, flames and shotgun shells as well as your standard ammo. Some arcade cabinets will boast the holy grail of light guns: The recoiling assault rifle. This beaut’s got more kick than David Beckham had in the second round of the ’98 World Cup. Sometimes it’s worth the £2 just to feel the recoil against your shoulder.

2. The lead characters and the plot:

Who remembers this? Seventeen internet points if you do!

The lead characters are usually American CIA/SAS/FBI/random-abbreviation operatives who have been hired to save some kidnapped President’s daughter, fight off evil insurgents from neighbouring countries, or to kill the President’s daughter as she’s now working for the evil insurgents… or something along those lines. To be honest, you don’t play a light gun game for the stunning script, dialogue and cut scenes. Let’s be fair, the voice acting is usually a similar experience to hearing 5 year olds trying to read the long words from the Broadsheets and the characters have the charisma of a baked potato. The main protagonists are usually white males, mid to late 20s, and appear like they wouldn’t look out of place on the catwalk – certainly nothing like any special arms operatives I’ve ever seen.

3. Events in gameplay:
The scenery is pretty generic at best but when playing one of these games your attention is primarily on the enemies so you miss out on such stunning backdrops as forests, trains and the inevitable ship encounter (which predictably gets capsized making everything go awry), and your generic Hollywood-esque bridge explosion. The likelihood of fighting a boss in a helicopter or private jet (you never see a poor end of level boss, do you?) is very high and you can expect that once you dispose of them they’ll fall backwards (still shooting) and blow up their own vehicle. Silly sausages.

4. The enemies:
You’d think that a global enemy cartel would have stricter quality control when hiring goons, or that at least they’d give them a shooting range test - as they appear to be the worst shots in the world. They get less hits than Hanson's fansite, for God’s sake. For some baffling reason the ‘big boss’ decided somewhere along the line that they should colour code their thugs in order of how hard they are. A good - if slightly flawed - plan as it means you just bust a cap in the harder enemy’s head before moving on to the ones that camply leap out into the open in a ridiculously bright-coloured jumpsuit.

Shitty zombies!

5. The unexpected…
As a rule of thumb in this genre, always expect the unexpected. Characters you thought you had killed have most likely been rebuilt (I’m looking at you Time Crisis 3) and some of the characters will show moments of unforeseen strength. For example, one enemy might tear off a gun turret and proceed to hurl it around like a baseball bat (again, I refer back to the Time Crisis series here).

Sometimes, the genre strays away from its traditional roots. Ninja Assault puts the player in control of a Ninja trying to rescue the kidnapped Princess from an evil Warlord (see, I told you the stories were all the same!). Now, you’d probably expect the light gun to be used to control a rudimentary crossbow or to throw shuriken or something like that. You’d be wrong. According to Capcom, Ninja wield pistols. Seriously. The less said about that the better, I feel.

***

It should be pointed out that Light Gun games provide a lot of fun and are a great source of fun in co-op so they are definitely worth a look. They’re like what the Bad Boys films are to the film industry; a trashy, unrelenting demonstration of explosions and headshots that does nothing to detract from the main action and for this they should perhaps be forgiven…

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The Wonders and Woes of Achievements

To be completely honest, right from the get go, this article is probably going to be nothing but shit you already know, but I don't care. I've got the writing bug right about now and I need to type, type, and then probably type some more. Judging by the title, you probably already know what I'm going to be harping on about for the rest of the article, but seeing as I've not really decided on a title as I type this, chances are it has nothing to do with achievements (because that's what I'm going to be talking about), so that's for the benefit of all you Future People who are reading this whenever I decide this article is finished. Anyway, Achievements, and the Gamerscore you accumulate by getting them, are a brilliant new breed of the high-scores of old arcade machines, like some kind of giant meta-leaderboard. They have a broader appeal though, because you can show off your Gamerscore in that neat little Gamercard on your profile on Xbox Live, on forums, on Facebook, on your phone and so forth, etcetera. But the real reason they have proven to become such a success (and have been copied wholesale all over the industry) is because they extend a game's lifetime, sometimes by triple if not double.

I've played a fair amount of games for far more hours than I normally would have thanks to the wonders of achievements. Take Mass Effect for instance, one of my favourite games of this generation. I've played it through to completion at least 3 times, and while the game probably did just enough to make me want to play it through thrice, that overwhelming draw of getting achievements probably galvanised me even more, as that particular game's achievements are purposefully integrated to make you play the game, I think, five times all the way through to get that Holy Grail of 1000G. It maybe a bit extreme (the game is roughly about 30 hours long if you do the side-quests, which are necessary to get some of the achievements), but at least it gives you a reward for putting the effort in.

Last generation, we didn't have anything like this. If you completed a game 100% the rewards for doing such a thing were pride in yourself and your gaming ability, but that was kind of it. The games themselves rarely ever rewarded you post 100% completion. Every other game might have given you a cool unlockable, but most of the time it was hardly ever worth the effort. Tell someone else about such an achievement and they either won't care, won't believe you or wonder if you have a life. Now, though, you have proof, and at the same time, reward! We all know just how satisfying it is to hear that "buh-doh" sound effect pop-up (and it not just being your friend signing in), then hitting the guide button and seeing what exactly that achievement was and how it has affected your overall Gamerscore. It truly is a joy. The proof of it, too, is now sitting on your profile, waiting to be shown off to your friends who, at one time, may not have believed you. Again: satisfying! There's not much to be done about those who don't care or wonder if you have a life, though. Balls to 'em, I say!

Well, I would say that, if I didn't agree with them. You see, to me, there is a line. If I'm not enjoying it, I won't do it. In my opinion, games are 1 part competitiveness, 2 parts relaxation, and 3 parts fun for me (unless I'm playing Modern Warfare 2, then relaxation gets thrown out of the door and gets taken over by competitiveness). So if I have to grind through a game, I'll just turn it off and find something else to play, and that includes having to grind through a game to get the achievements. I tried to get through Mass Effect one more time before Christmas to try and get a few more achievements before Mass Effect 2, but I died without saving (a fatal flaw in this game), turned it off and haven't touched it since. It's just not for me. If you do, however, enjoy the grind, then that's cool. Just don't expect me to understand it. Achievements, as good as they are, just don't seem really worth the effort unless you're having fun.

What also doesn't seem like a lot of fun to me is people using exploits in the game to get achievements. Now, this isn't glitching a game or cheating or anything that unsavoury and downright stupid, it's more getting around what needs to be done for an achievement and getting it easily or quickly. Say, for example, if a platform game requires you to jump 100,000 times for an achievement to unlock - some people would actually sit on their arses in front of their consoles tapping away at the A button waiting for that achievement to pop even though that achievement might be perfectly reasonable to acquire just by playing the game normally. That, my friends, not only defeats the point somewhat, can't be fun in the slightest, can't have any real sense of accomplishment to accompany it, but also really sort of puts to the sword the belief that the individual who would do this actually has a life. Just rent a game that has easy achievements; you might actually still have fun doing it, even if the game is crap!

In the end, though, it doesn't really mean much, but a score is something you can be proud of, whether it's 5,000 or 50,000, especially if you you've earned it legitimately. There might be a couple of games that you only played for the easy achievements, but you can disregard that knowing, at the very least, the majority of achievements you've acquired were obtained the hard way the right way!

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A Critique of Turn-Based Member Slapping

I have never really been one for RPGs in the classical sense – the inane ‘grinding’ to produce a team that can take on the next big-bad, of whom should really have taken into account that the player would generally be at a lower level by this point in the long-winded, over-drawn dross of what the developers profess to be a story. Or perhaps the inclusion of rooms measuring barely sufficient in diameter to hammer-throw the proverbial distressed cat, that yet take aeons to traverse thanks to a metaphorical roll of a dice after every footstep designed to drag you kicking and screaming into a circular room barely resembling where you were walking, in which good and evil both take turns to stand there while the opposition slaps them round the face with their dicks. By this time of course, I would have moved a grand total of 2 feet in half an hour and long since died in the real world from old age and contempt for my fellow man.

It is needless for me to say at this point that I have never garnered the will to play much more than an hour of all the Final Fantasy games combined, and the mere notion of forcing myself to trudge through the series’ myriad of numbers leaves me cold like an Eskimo’s genitals as he squats in the freezer section of Farm Foods subsequent to being dumped by his girlfriend*. Puzzling as that concept may be for a lot of you JRPG fans (the Final Fantasy bit, not the Eskimo remark), the notion is made even more the enigma as I explain my deep-seeded love for the Golden Sun games created for Nintendo’s Gameboy Advance.

All the hallmarks are there (much like a good card shop) that point to a pretty standard JRPG fare - from the levelling systems based on experience, the ‘random’ turn-based battles or the collection of equipment and items to aid you in your quest. What the developers, Camelot, have managed to do however is wrap it up in a tight package that doesn’t make me want to push my fist through my throat and poke my eyes out from behind with my bloody fingers. I’m not even entirely sure how they did it to be honest, even after all these years. It could be the sublime presentation – from the inspired musical score to arguably the system’s most impressive graphical flourishes. Or it could be the engaging story that gets to the point and actually keeps you on your toes like the fabled midget at a urinal, rather than throwing walls of pointless dialogue at the player for half an hour that simply explains through use of an elaborate arrangement of ‘ums’ and ‘ahhs’ that the princess is in another castle.

In order to set itself apart from the other mounds of mud in the sludge that is the JRPG swamp, Golden Sun brought to the already finely-furnished table the collection of Djinn. These elemental sprite-like characters are quickly comparable to Pokémon (a series of games of which I have purposely left out of the discussion as they goose-step in the no-man’s land between RPG and easily definable genres), but bare little resemblance with regards to function and gameplay. Not content with merely attaching themselves to party members in order to increase stats and change classes to your will, Djinn can be used in battle to attack, defend, make tea and summon fearsome deities to unleash a metric fuckton of pain down on the unsuspecting enemy team with their members out, expecting the regular ‘you slap me, I slap you’ affair.

Even after completing the first game and being subjected to the metaphorical kick in the scrote that was the finale’s cliff-hanger, the player is able to transfer their entire party and items over to the sequel by way of a password function – albeit featuring a biblical amount of gibberish text and numbers to commit to a notepad before attempting to type it in exactly. Regardless, it is still a kind of warm and fuzzy addition that is purely there for the fans, and a function that I personally hadn’t seen since the Sonic & Knuckles ‘lock-on’ cart for the Sega Megadrive.

I still can't figure out if this is a dude or a chick.

Either way, that's one poncy bastard.

I think what shines through the most with these games, what makes them seem so wondrous to me, is the blatant labour and love that went into their creation. These are the developers responsible for Mario Golf and Mario Tennis, dressed up in a gimp suit for Papa Nintendo and asked to dance around so that the giant can get its jollies off. Golden Sun is Camelot’s baby, and it shows. Roll on Golden Sun DS – maybe it will give me a reason to stop using the console’s touch screen as a coaster.
For my hot mugs.
Full of turds.
That frequently overspill.

* I also don’t care for Resident Evil or Metal Gear Solid. That’s right internet, come and get me.

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The Wildest Video Game Dreams of Our Youth

I would like to think that I'm the kind of person who doesn't take things for granted. When things are going well, I tend to reflect upon it as much as I can. When things are going bad, I feel I have no regrets as I truly got as much enjoyment out of the good things as possible and still try to think of everything that's still good. They say "you don't know that you've got till it's gone", but not me. Nuh-uh. I relish what I've got with gay abandon, sometimes with aplomb. So, whenever I turn my Xbox 360 on, I gaze in wonder at just what a fantastic machine it really is, especially when looking back at the consoles of yesteryear.

The first thing that greets me when I turn my Xbox 360 on is that crystal clear, gloriously HD logo. I haven't got the best HD TV by any means, but it still shits its entire ass onto any previous TVs I've owned. Then, it's onto the dashboard, and goddamn, if that isn't a wonder to behold, too. I mean, think back to a year ago, to a time when we never had any of this; we've now got streaming news vids, tips, interviews, and a pair of emo dudes trying to be funny. We've also got much better friend interaction now, what with the party chat and avatars. Even just having Live Friends is something we didn't have 4 years ago, now it seems weird to think back to a time when social console gaming was merely a footnote on the possibilities of future consoles. I didn't even have Xbox Live a mere 2 years ago, let alone 4. To say I couldn't live without it would probably be an exaggeration, but to say I would miss it awfully if I didn't have it is completely accurate.

While that last paragraph may have read like some kind of forced Microsoftian propaganda, I can assure you it's not. It's just me doing what I do and knowing what I've got. When I indulge myself in the solitariness of past gaming consoles, it truly feels like there's something missing. I miss the little announcements of people popping online and seeing that Isis88 is a Level 15 something-or-other on Fallout 3, or that ZZKoverts always seems to be playing Tales of Vesperia. It's just nice to know that you're all still alive and that you're not at work, you're just chilling at home playing some video games.

It's almost like something from the wildest video game dreams of our youth. I've recently been playing Smackdown Vs. Raw 2010 and thinking back to playing WWF No Mercy on the Nintendo 64 and enjoying it immensely, but thinking of how awesome it would be to be able to give your custom wrestler his own custom tattoo, custom music, custom entrance, custom video, custom finishing move and all other kinds of shit that is actually in SVR 2010. If you'd have given me this game 10 years or so ago, I probably would have spaffed and shit my pants simultaneously. Due to the technical constraints of the N64, it was naught but a pipe-dream, but the tech has advanced enough to make it possible.

Say what you will about the Wii, but Nintendo's philosophy of 'technology doesn't equal better games' has been proved wrong by dozens of games on the immensely powerful PS3 and 360. It is not and has never been about the having the best graphics, it's about having the best game and then getting the best graphics you can muster out of the hardware, as done in the last generation by the GTA games. They're not the prettiest games of their generation, but they withhold a dizzying amount of content for the player and they sold by the bucket-load, also proving that amazing graphics won't guarantee you a number one spot on the sales charts.

With all this technology, we've got it incredibly good at the moment. It's easy to forget this when something goes wrong, when you get kicked out of party chat for the tenth time in an hour, or when your internets play up. I'm not saying whenever something like that happens you should sit back and quell your anger and just be happy with what you've got, because it's a fucking frustration when such a thing happens. I'm just saying that every now and then, just breathe it all in and try not to take it for granted.

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Life-Taking Horrors and Dog Shit

Gaming is a form of escapism - a chance to get away from a not necessarily unhappy but decidedly dull life. Not something to really moan about, but it's either that or you die. You risk your life every time you leave the house. Gap-year students always end up dead somewhere in Cambodia. Sky-diving? Fuck that. Pop down to the shops to get some Frisps? (Do they still make those?) That sounds more like it, but still, there's always the risk of getting run over by a bus. If you don't cross any roads that are on bus-routes, then that particular risk is reduced 100%, but, if you live in the Daily Mail's blinkered view of the world, you could still get stabbed by one of them hoodies what are found on every street corner, injecting heroin into the eyes of innocent children. Nope, stay inside, play games, 'escape' those four walls that keep you safe from the big bad 'outside'. When did anything bad ever happen to someone playing videogames? Can you get thumb-cramp?

The point is videogames are seemingly doing more and more to bring the outside inside without all of the life-taking horrors and dog shit that populate it. But is this a good thing? For instance, a lot of games nowadays seem to give you a very limited amount of weaponry you can hold at any one time, so much so that it seems a rather alien concept for a game to let you carry the arsenal of a small country in your back pocket anymore. The more realistic something is, the better it is, right? What if GTA IV was completely true to life; imagine having to steal a car, and whenever Niko breaks a window with his elbow, he'd be unable to use that arm for about 10 minutes because it caught him right on the funny bone. Imagine if getting arrested meant you'd have to sit through a cut-scene of Niko sleeping in a cell, being taken to court then getting roughly taken from behind in the showers by Big Phil.

Disregarding the fact that, in the Halo games, Master Chief is a super-human and, as well as being able to melee someone while dual-wielding without dropping one of his guns (like a big spaz), he should quite easily be able to carry more than two weapons but doesn't, and it's obvious to see why. When Halo first came along, it brought with it a revolutionary control system that became the unofficial industry standard, and the fact that its weapon management was assigned to a single button was the main reason for this. It liberates the player from having to either scroll through all the weapons they are carrying, or selecting them from a menu. This was often the bane of the average shoot 'em up fan's life; hastily trying to select the right weapon for the job whilst a group of enemies shoot the crap out of you. It also added a little strategy to the game as you had to think about whether the weapon the enemy dropped is worth swapping for one of your weapons, and whether it'll come good in use against possible upcoming enemies. Another thing this does is free up a couple of buttons to be used for other essential tasks and simplifies the control system. This is also quite realistic, as most soldiers in real life only really carry two guns with them; a big one and a little one, e.g. a rifle and a pistol.

It can only be a good thing when a developer takes inspiration from real life to make its game better. There's also the fact that the more realistic a game is – again, take GTA IV as an example – the more satisfying it becomes to do things we'd never do in real life, like go on a high-speed police chase or crash a helicopter into the sea. The better it looks the more immersed you become. But how come the ultra-unrealistic Halo only lets you carry two guns when the ultra-realistic GTA IV lets you carry around 5, as well as a knife or a baseball bat? Niko seems to pull RPG Launchers and the like from out of his kecks! This is all down to ease of play. GTA IV is quite a varied game; whereas one moment could see you having a shoot out with a group of enemies, the next could see you trying to take down a helicopter. You'll forgive this as a minor inconsistency and will thank Rockstar whenever Niko unloads his pocket rocket into the rear-end of someone's chopper.

Realism is arguably at its best when it's mixed with something that is fantastical, impossible or imaginary. One of the biggest reasons why Harry Potter, Star Wars and books or films of their ilk are so successful is because they seem believable. The world of Harry Potter is hidden and runs parallel to ours, so there's an appealing sense that it might be true (even though it definitely isn't). Star Wars felt believable because, Tatooine in particular, felt rustic and lived-in and the Millennium Falcon was falling apart, something that would definitely happen to a space-ship that has been modified illegally time and time again. The same goes for videogames. Mass Effect goes into explicit detail into not only how the human race found the technology to be able to travel to distant galaxies, but it also goes into an almost obscene amount of detail about almost everything in the game from weaponry and space craft, to diplomacy between different space-faring races. There's an underlying sense that if or when the human race is finally able to travel to different galaxies, then Mass Effect is what would probably happen.

And that's what videogames do best. As big a cliché as this next sentence is going to be, it doesn't take anything away from the fact that games do allow you to do anything, possible or impossible, from the comfort of your own home. So let gangsters, criminals, aliens, football players with muddy boots, rock stars, plumbers, bears with birds living out of backpacks, blue hedgehogs, pink echidnas, robots, elves, goblins, wizards and warriors, dragons, eidolons, titans, gods and goddesses, tomb raiders, pirates, ninjas, and gays all into your home. Just make sure that when you do, you're firmly gripping a game controller and that the door is locked. Who knows what could be waiting for you… 'outside'.

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I Heart Zombies!

It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark. There he is, shuffling towards you. A vaguely comical appearance, but there's nothing funny about him. He is dead but he is walking, and he is walking towards you with only the hunger for your flesh and brains driving him on. He is soaked with blood, most of it spewing from his gaping wounds. His jaw is hanging from his skull only by a stubborn bit of sinew, the tongue dangling from this unnatural cavity in his head. His ankle is broken at a viscerally nauseating angle, yet still he walks on it and you can hear it cracking every time he puts weight on it. It closes in. You're cornered. There's nowhere to go now. He gets closer, you can see your whitened reflection in his cold, dead eyes… you're paralyzed.

It's a rather unsettling thought, but deep down, every gamer wonders about what they would do to survive the Zombie Apocalypse that is definitely going to happen one day, when they terrorise y'alls neighbourhood. We all know we would probably just defecate ourselves out of fear and hope the smell scares the zombies away. But we dream of heroics, of saving our loved ones and guiding them to safety. A rather noble thought, and one not too dissimilar to other dreams of heroics, such as saving the beautiful lady from some form of danger and being rewarded with a kiss or a quick go on her breasts and then being giving three million pounds by her rich Father. But what's more appealing to us in the zombie scenario, is the chance for bloody violence in a completely righteous form. "They're dead anyway," you'll say, "but they're trying to kill us. It's self defense and it's euthanasia, we might as well enjoy ourselves if we can. Someone get me a chainsaw."

There's a blood lust in us all, a primal state of mind that makes us violent, that makes us beat each other up and sometimes makes us kill each other. Primates do it, and so do we; it's instinct. However, we (I'd like to think) have morals, and we know killing another is a most reprehensible crime. We do like to see films and games with bloodletting content, though. Think about this: it's weird that horror films are so mainstream. We revel in being scared and some of us actually like to see gory stuff in horror films. It's the part of us that slows down for car crashes, it's the part of us that crowds around a fight, the reason hangings and executions drew a crowd. The fascination in us all of all things morbid and macabre. And, truly, what is more macabre than a reanimated and cannibalistic corpse? Let's not analyse, but merely accept the fact that we're all pretty damn morbid, some more than others, obviously. In this respect, zombies are awesome. Whether they're the slow variety from the classic Night of the Living Dead and Resident Evil, or the fast-running motherfuckers from 28 Days Later and Left 4 Dead.

No mere mortal can resist the appeal of zombies, and when we go to bed at night we should all thank all those wonderful men and women who give us zombie films and zombie games, for they are preparing you for when grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom.

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Seriously, What Next for The Legend of Zelda!?

When the original Legend of Zelda was released for the Famicom/NES in 1986, it broke the mold for adventure games. It had an innovative bird's eye view perspective, as well as a completely open and massive (for the time) game world to explore at your own wont or whim. You amassed yourself weaponry instead having it all from the start, and you upgraded how much damage you could take by adding to your health bar. It was an incredibly important game for industry as a whole and the Zelda franchise itself, as every Zelda game since has re-used most of the features from that original 22 year-old game.

But has the Zelda formula lost its lustre? Is it time for Nintendo to go back to the drawing board with its next game, set to be released on the Wii, a console with ground-breaking video game technology? Probably. At least that's what I think. As I said in the first part of this article, it might just have been what Twilight Princess got wrong that makes me feel this way, but I thought it'd be interesting to see what I could come up with if this was indeed the case. Imagine, if you will, that I was tasked with creating the next Zelda game. This is what I'd do…

There are things I'd want to remain constant for the next Zelda, because there's no need to get rid of everything, as I might just as well create an entirely new game. For this game to be a re-imagining of the Zelda series as a whole, the main characters (Link, Zelda and Ganondorf) need to be integral to the plot, otherwise it's not really a Zelda game. Like Ocarina of Time before it, which was a plot reboot (of sorts) for the series, these characters need to appear in all their glory. There's nothing wrong at all with keeping the characters the same, but the gameplay mechanics haven't really changed in 4 games and 10 years and the formula of the actual game. hasn't changed in an even longer period of time. A Link to the Past, Link's Awakening, Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker and Twilight Princess are each the defining Zelda game for their respective consoles, and all have pretty much the same layout. Three dungeons act as a prologue of sorts to the game, before you're then given another 5 or so more dungeons to complete the game totalling 8 dungeons altogether. Each dungeon is a labyrinth of back-and-forth gameplay revolving around solving puzzles and using the dungeon's new item to get to the boss, who, upon its death, coughs up that sacred piece of something or other as well as an upgrade to your heart metre. Same old same old.

The first ever Zelda title screen. Woo!

So what could possibly change? Well, straight away I'm going to go out on a limb here and turn the game upside down by changing the setting. I'd be lying if I wasn't intrigued by this video from Wii.tv. Although it was quite a blatant April Fools, the prospect of playing a futuristic Zelda game had me positively drooling. So, I'm going to steal that idea! In the video, it says that Link doesn't have a horse, but instead rides a bike named Epona. I'm not too sure if that'd work. I think I'd keep Epona as a horse, as Link riding around a futuristic, metallic, industrial Hyrule on horseback would be an intriguing prospect. Not only that, but I'd keep the bow and arrows and definitely his sword. Not a lightsaber style Master Sword, but the original blue-hilted Master Sword. This, I think, would create quite a cool concept, of this humble and courageous young boy who uses ancient weaponry to fight an industrial evil.

Look at how cool that mask is. It's awesome, isn't it?

But even if the setting wasn't changed, I'd change a few more things for the next Zelda game. Namely, the structure of the game and how it unfolds, a much less generic structure, for a start. Twilight Princess did its part to remedy this somewhat, but in the end, the game was pretty much the same as each Zelda before it; find dungeon, complete dungeon, find next dungeon, complete dungeon, repeat till fade. A simplified version of events from any Zelda game you care to mention. Majora's Mask, however, did have the dungeons to find and complete, but what set it apart was the game's world and the people in it. The game had you helping out almost every occupant in Termina in one way or another. Doing this unlocked things for you to use, such as Link's horse, Epona, or a new mask to wear, which gave you special abilities such as a faster running speed or the ability to talk to animals. Without going into too much detail, certain events happened at certain times on certain days, and you could shape how these events transpired. It wouldn't be a complete tragedy if this reappeared in one way or another. Majora's Mask was also quite mature. It still kept a lot of the Zelda humour and whimsy, but some parts of the game were incredibly hard-hitting, especially if you failed your mission to prevent the moon from crashing into Termina, and the music that accompanied the game's main antagonist, the Skull Kid, was genuinely unnerving.

We need some more of the Fierce Deity. I mean, every thing about it is cool. Even the name. Say it. Go on. Fierce Deity. Awsm.

Majora's Mask also gave Link an incredibly cool super-hero type mask if you collected every other mask on offer. The dark power of the Fierce Deity's mask transformed Link into a powerful adult-like version of himself. He could take more damage, deal out more damage and just looked plain awesome. However, the Fierce Deity's mask was incredibly restrictive to use. It could only be used against bosses. I don't think it'd be far from the truth that everyone who managed to play as Fierce Deity Link would love him to reappear in a future Zelda game, in any way, shape or form. For these reasons, Majora's Mask is certainly the Zelda game I'd take the most inspiration from. I'd leave Tingle out, though.

So what have we got at the moment? A new futuristic setting, that, if done properly, could mean a revolution for the series. Square did it with Final Fantasy VII, why can't Nintendo do it with Zelda? Not only would this reinvigorate the series and make it feel fresh again, like Ocarina of Time, but it might also give the game a wider appeal and therefore a bigger audience, something the Zelda games richly deserve. A less formulaic approach to the plot would also refresh the series, and giving the bit-part players from the games stories of their own, à la Majora's Mask, would expand upon one of the series' high-points (as like I said, there's no need to get rid of everything and there's no harm in taking inspiration from the franchise itself). This would also give the game depth and allow the player to become emotionally involved with the game, something Zelda is famous for, especially since Ocarina of Time. Lastly, the Fierce Deity's mask to be expanded upon, with it's origin's explored and a greater use for it, as it has been criminally under-used (read: not used at all) since it made its debut in Majora's Mask.

More soon? Probably.

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What Next for The Legend of Zelda?

Zelda games, for me, are almost the single reason why I love Nintendo so. Ever since I first played Link’s Awakening all those years ago, I was hooked. Then Ocarina of Time came out and I was blown away, and this carried on through to the end of Majora’s Mask. I couldn’t wait to see what Nintendo would do next with their franchise. But then there was Wind Waker, and whilst it not being a bad game at all, it just wasn’t up to the standard that I expected. What I never expected, though, was that the next game would leave me incredibly disheartened. You see, I've been a little off with the Zelda games since I first completed Twilight Princess nearly two years ago.

Don't get me wrong, Twilight Princess is a really good game, but I can't really see where the franchise is going next. After Ocarina of Time, fans were pushing for another Zelda game of its ilk to be churned out by the mighty Japanese company. Although Majora’s Mask was a brilliant game, the fans wanted something more of what Ocarina promised, and that was a grown-up Link and a mature game that surrounded him. The Zelda fanboys were counting the hours that such a game was announced. When Twilight Princess was unveiled (as merely The Legend of Zelda) at E3 2005 there was a collective orgasm from them all. I have to admit, that even I splurged a little when I first saw it. Even now, when I watch that video, I get a shiver down my spine as the crowd roars when they first see Link on horse-back, holding his sword aloft, galloping through Hyrule Field to meet the baying hoard of boar-riders. It's the way the music builds to a crescendo and just as Link is revealed the crowd explodes with cheering and clapping, one guy shouting "oh my God" at the top of his lungs. I defy anyone who likes Zelda even in the slightest to watch that video and not get a tingly spine.

This is still pretty bad-ass.

Compare that, if you will, to when Wind Waker was revealed. It received probably the exact opposite reaction to Twilight Princess, just a polite smattering of applause, and then the uproar on various forums. Most of the fans weren't happy; some embraced this new look, but most derided it, dubbing it 'Celda' because of the cel-shaded cartoon-like graphics and condemning it before they'd even played it. This was the Zelda game the fans didn't want. The fans had wanted Ocarina of Time on a next-generation console with next-generation graphics, an incredibly dark storyline and a much more grown-up attitude. They got next-gen graphics, but they never expected the cartoon visuals. It was then pretty much certain that any hopes of a 'mature' Zelda game were out of the window. Zelda had gone all 'kiddy'.

At its core, though, Wind Waker is still very much a Legend of Zelda game. It has everything that has become synonymous with the Zelda games. Link, Princess Zelda and Ganondorf are all present. You traverse an over-world as well as explore the obligatory puzzle-laden dungeons in search of the mysterious item held by the last boss. You collect items and such to help you progress through each dungeon, as well as get to hitherto unreachable areas of the over-world. It was also a pretty good game, too, with certain moments that reminisced upon Ocarina of Time placed especially for the fans. It reeked of a game that wanted to please fans, but made the fatal flaw of dumping their beloved world under the sea, the biggest game-world in a Zelda game ever, but with anything noteworthy sparsely laid-out and surrounded by miles and miles of ocean. This was by far a greater disappointment than the cartoon look. Not only that, but prior to the final dungeon, the game set you off on a labourious treasure hunt that made the game feel incredibly unfinished. This left a sour taste more than cel-shading ever could. But if it weren't for Wind Waker, Twilight Princess wouldn't have gotten the reaction it did at E3 2005 and wouldn't have been the game we eventually got.

This screenshot represents a good 60% of this game.

So, what did we get? We got a very good game indeed. Wind Waker was improved upon in every respect. The developers had pretty much gone back to Ocarina of Time for their inspiration. With Twilight Princess, Nintendo had given the fans what they wanted. Twilight Princess, for all intents and purposes, is a next-generation Ocarina of Time. Of course, it's not a remake, but it's not too far removed from one. However, to dub Twilight Princess as merely 'Ocarina of Time with a face-lift' would be incredibly harsh, as Twilight Princess really is an astoundingly accomplished game. For one thing, it's absolutely huge, with the main quest alone taking a good 50 or-so hours to complete. Not only that, it never once looks ugly. Every single part of this game is stunning to look at, and some of the art direction makes you wonder why you need consoles as powerful as the Xbox 360 or the PS3 when a GameCube game can churn out graphics that are this good. It's also worth noting, with the possible exception of Super Mario Galaxy, that no Wii game has surpassed Twilight Princess in terms of graphics (although this is more likely to do with the possibility that the Wii just isn't that powerful). Twilight Princess is also littered with dozens of cut-scenes, each of them animated to perfection and every character displaying bundles of personality despite the lack of voice-acting in the game. Controlling Link is never a chore, either. He moves fluidly about the game world, whether on foot or horse-back.

But still, it's not better than either Majora's Mask or Ocarina of Time and that probably has something to do with the story. In both these games, the lands they are set in (Termina and Hyrule, respectively) both seem a hell of a lot more in peril than the Hyrule in Twilight Princess. The Hyrule in Ocarina of Time sees Ganondorf trying to obtain the Triforce to give him God-like powers and rule over the land with absolute tyranny. About a third of the way through the game, Link travels to the future and sees Hyrule Castle Town in ruins, a town that he explored in his childhood. This is an incredibly hard-hitting section of the game, as, instead of the being presented with a lively and cheerful town, with children and dogs playing and people bartering at stores, you're presented with a perpetually dark town with abandoned houses quickly falling into disrepair, and with children's laughter replaced by the paralysing scream of zombies. Hyrule Castle itself has been transformed from a beautiful white, tower-laden building into a black Gothic death-house hovering over a sea of molten lava. Majora's Mask's Termina has the threat of being destroyed completely by the moon crashing into it. In comparison, the Twilight Realm, to me, seems more like a mere annoyance than a matter of life and death.

With all that said, there are moments in Twilight Princess that tug at the heart-strings. When Link battles to save Colin from King Bulblin, you set out on Epona to get him back. This is one of the stand-out moments in the game, as for the first time in a Zelda game, you fight on horse-back, culminating in a joust like set-piece on a bridge above a seemingly bottomless chasm. When you defeat King Bulblin, the following cut-scene makes Link seem like a bona fide hero. As anyone who loves Zelda knows, Link is by far the most important character. It goes without saying (which is quite appropriate, seeing as Link never says anything himself). As the game goes on, however, the spotlight seems to be transferred to Midna. During the final battle, Link seems more like a side-character, despite the fact that you're controlling him. Ganondorf and Midna seem to ignore Link completely. Link is left on the side-lines while Midna and Ganondorf get on with it. The hero role of Link was thrown out of the window, which left me feeling somewhat ignored myself.

Maybe this is the reason why I'm feeling a little disenchanted with Zelda. Perhaps it has nothing to do with what a Zelda game is or what a Zelda game does, but merely how Twilight Princess disappointed me in its latter stages. It's really quite confusing. If it is for this reason, then it's easily remedied by Nintendo. In a Zelda game, Link is not the be-all and end-all, but he is incredibly significant. There hasn't been a Zelda game without Link. Much more important than Link, though, is our link to him (pun intended). As with most character- and story-driven games, we see the world through the main character's eyes. We become incredibly associated with them, or, at the most, we actually become them (in the game, at least). When this character becomes significant, we feel significant. When this character becomes insignificant, we feel insignificant. This is what bugged me more about the final parts of Twilight Princess.

However, what if it were the fact that I am bored with what a Zelda game is and what a Zelda game does? What if it is a little too set in its ways? What if the formula has become staid? What if the Zelda franchise needs to be shaken-up a little? I'll try to answer those questions and the titular question of this article soon…

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Quick Time!

A Guest Article by Falco

Quick Time Events (or QTEs) are such marvellous ideas, playing out a highly orchestrated cut-scene like something from one of the best action movies. It started out as the most basic of gaming. In the days of Sega's Mega Drive add-on, the CDi, there were games that were nothing but cut-scenes and QTEs, such as Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, which was merely the first episode which played out in a massive QTE chain. This has recently been brought back by games such as Shenmue, then later God of War and Resident Evil 4, which utilised them them in a much better way; you weren't forced to watch the cut-scenes - you actively took part in them. Running from boulders and engaging in knife-fights in RE4 to impaling four storey high Krackens on broken masts of under-siege ships in God of War. Now that wouldn't look nearly as cool from a 3rd person back-cam.

These days QTE has evolved past cutscenes… kind of. Now QTEs can be a whole Boss fight, such as in Marvel Ultimate Alliance, some bosses can't even be harmed unless you tap the buttons as they tell you. Now that pretty much every game does it, a lot of people are tired of them, but that's more to do with the fact that most are poorly done, forcing them on you from nowhere and having such precise inputs that they just frustrate the player. Blue Dragon was annoying for this minor problem.

The Force Unleashed, however, goes some way towards fixing the problem, once you've suffered through a boss fight, you press X (or square) to activate the finisher. Failure to complete the QTE on some of the harder bosses would have Starkiller parrying and going back to where he started so you could have another go. With easier boss fights you just activate the QTE again.

But the big question is, where do QTEs go from here? Do they stay at the same point giving us something to do in the cut-scenes or do they become something more? One idea that could be used in the future is using them to teach the player without them knowing you've taught them anything, a la Mr Miyagi! For example: in a game the character learns the combo X, Y, X, Y, B. Long and complex with specific timing. This combo is the best weapon against the level's Boss. The player will get a side mission to help a local farm with the harvest, once there they will be given a QTE of X, Y, X, Y, B with loose timing, then get challenged to beat a farm hand at the same task. Beating the farmhand will require the player to pull off the combo, thus teaching them a daunting looking attack without them knowing. It adds fun and when the player reaches the boss they'll be able to nail him a lot easier because of it.

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A Look at the NXE

A couple of weeks ago, Microsoft announced that they were going to let a lucky few users try-out the Xbox 360's brand new revamped dashboard dubbed the New Xbox Experience (or just the NXE). To get the chance to wrap their deformed gaming thumbs around this 'preview', all they had to do was sign-up to Microsoft's 'Connect' service website … thing, fill out a quick form and they were entered into a selection process. I was one of the few who were chosen to download and preview the NXE weeks before its official release and so I thought I'd be kind enough to meld my thoughts and 'experience' so far into this concise but hopefully descriptive bit of readery for your eyes.

So what is the point in this 'Preview Program', I hear you ask? Well, it's basically a beta trial, where users can test out the new dashboard on their very own consoles at home and contact Microsoft to moan about all the bugs, so Microsoft can repair said bugs before it's officially released upon the public, like some kind of sexy-looking and rather functional pack of baying hounds. In other words, Microsoft gets a bunch of people to do their work for them and then have the gall to call them 'lucky'. You won't see anyone who got picked complaining, though, as the NXE genuinely is a lovely bit of user interface.

The loveliness of it all rears its beautiful head almost immediately as, you'll be glad to know, downloading and installing it is literally as easy as pressing one button twice. Whether it'll be as quick and painless on the 19th of November (when the WHOLE WORLD downloads it) is yet to be seen. It might be a little slower on the actual day, but at least it'll be painless, unless you sit on a pin or something. When you're all ready to go and when your 360 has restarted itself and after the rather spiffing intro video thing, your first interactive port of call in this 'experience' is to create your Avatar. You can either pick a placeholder for now and move on to the dashboard proper, or you could spend a while customising your Avatar, changing things such as hair and the other obvious bits I can't be bothered to mention. At the moment, though, it seems that Avatars are rather arbitrary and purely there for aesthetics. They don't do much except stand there waving at you and looking pretty. Come the 19th, however, I can pop my 360 on and have a look-see at the smiley new faces on my spanking new friends list. It's for this reason, and the fact that there are a lot more options available to you, that it's already tons better than Nintendo's simple-looking but faff-laden Miis.

Once you've saved your Avatar, you're finally taken to the dashboard. Without getting too in-depth, it's all set-out rather well; push up or down on the control stick and you're taken to the different sections of the dashboard, such as the Marketplace or your friends list, left and right taking you to the different options each section gives you, e.g. allowing you to play whatever game is in your tray. Your friends list is now no longer confined to the guide blade and has its very own full-screen section. Your friends all appear as their Avatars (the box of the game they're playing next to them) standing in front of certain background articles depending on the theme you've got, such as a big Xbox 360 or a police car or something. These backgrounds don't really have a purpose, but it's much more pleasing to the eye than a boring list or some kind of weird 'parade'.

One of the best new things about the NXE is the new guide button menu, which is a basic version of the old dashboard, but the speed at which it pops up and travels through its different options is rather refreshing. The old guide menu was a little clunky and a little ugly, especially when compared to the new one. It seems like the old guide has been retired to make way for its slicker, quicker and more intelligent younger sibling. You'll begin to feel pangs of regret every time you press that button (pangs that are quickly dispersed, mind you) as that old blade was like a friend. The kind of friend that is mostly reliable, but boring and slow. It did what it was asked to do without much fuss, and it might have broken down every now and then, but you always went back to it, mainly because you had to and had no other friends. I feel I've rinsed all I can from that particular analogy.

There are myriad features and options that the NXE gives you and I could go through them all, but by the time I'd have gotten around to writing them down it'll be next Thursday and everybody will already have it. I could go on to say that the new party system seems like an awesome idea, but seeing as nobody on my friends list (so nobody I actually want to talk to for longer than a minute) has the NXE, I'm not really able to test it out. But I'm not going to say that. I'm also not going to say that, at first, the NXE seems nothing more than a completely aesthetic make-over, but if you spend some time with it (and you will) you'll soon find that its newly found functionality and swiftness means that it's so much more than mere eye-candy. I could also say that perhaps I'm over-hyping it too much. Perhaps my love for all things Xbox 360 has clouded my judgement, and that if the NXE was merely a badly-compressed picture of Bill Gates sitting on a throne of money with a speech-bubble saying "buy more games you fucking loser" whilst giving me the finger I'd probably still love it. But, again, I'm running out of time here so I'm not going to say that either.

Just don't expect to play many games on the 19th, as you'll be too busy playing around with the front-end menu of a machine that was built primarily to play games on. Madness!

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Feature – Paint By Numbers: The Racer

A Guest Article by Jambo

To be successful, every console needs a great racer. Sony has Gran Turismo, Microsoft has Forza Motorsport and Project Gotham Racing while Nintendo… well, let’s move on, shall we? It’s not just the 1st and 2nd party developers either, there are of course the multiplatform titles such as the Burnouts and the Need For Speeds which always seem to sell well and achieve more than moderate success. Anyway, intro aside, here’s what to expect from your typical racer…

1. The Racing Type

There are generally two main types of the genre outside of the obvious two-wheel/four-wheel: the Arcade game and the Simulator game (or, as some prefer, the street racer and the track racer). The Sim games are likely to be very popular, even though everyone secretly finds their difficulty (aka "realism") makes them unplayable. As a rule, Sim games include a ‘Garage’ in which to store your ‘fly wheels’ and make modifications to your vehicle. Most gamers will simply choose to try out different colours, add nitro options, place a huge spoiler on the back and try to make comical shapes out of the selection of self-design stickers available.

The second type is arguably more adored. Although Sims sell well, it is normally the Arcade racers that last longer. Triumphs of this type include both the Outrun and Burnout series. The arcade racer prefers not to place its head so far up its own backside that it needs a glass stomach to see out of, and instead offers innovation and above all: fun. Take the aforementioned Burnout series for example. A conventional Sim, such as Forza Motorsport, will reward the player for safe driving and maintaining a good driving line around the track. Burnout, on the other hand, rewards the player for causing huge pile-ups and forcing opposing drivers off the road in spectacular (slow-mo) fashion. As if that wasn’t enough they even felt the need to include a ‘Crash Mode’ to make the difference between the two types clear!

2. The Girls

Your typical mainstream racer will most likely try to entice you to purchase the game with pictures of scantily clad women adorning the box. The industry standard ‘Racing Babe’ has blond hair, wears hot pants and seems incapable of getting her bottom out of the way of photographs (especially when it comes to shooting the box art). The in-game role of this poor women is to calmly stand in front of a number of loud-engined vehicles and shoot a gun to signal the start of the race and then stand perfectly still as said vehicles proceed to go from nought to sixty merely inches past her. And her name doesn’t even get mentioned throughout the entire game! Talk about unsung heroes…

3. The Tracks

The Sim racer will pride itself on the true-to-life realism of the courses. Frequently used locations in Sim games are Edinburgh, Monte Carlo, Paris and London. The courses will often have surplus trees, one or two buildings and maybe a jump (if the developers are feeling audacious). This is in direct contrast to the mandatory dark grey streets of the Arcade racer, with the only light coming from the neon signs of seedy bars and clubs. The Arcade racer may use real locations but the developers will modify them slightly to allow for explosions and the lark (refer to Midtown Madness 3 for further research).

4. The Cars

Once again, the Sim will try to prove its worth by getting the official rights to use real cars such as Ferraris, Audis, Lamborghinis and Nissans, with the fan-favourite being a tie between the Nissan Skyline and the Enzo Ferrari. Of course, the downside to getting these official rights usually means that the cars can receive no damage in-game, leading to an criminally unrealistic experience in a genre that is supposed to be a simulator. The Arcade racer, on the other hand, will use its own brand of cars (sometimes only changing a letter in existing car manufacturers to create a new brand such as ‘Nossan’ or ‘Yotota’). By the end of the race your car will habitually only be recognisable by its license plate, and even then that has normally been lost somewhere by the second hair-pin.

5. The Racing

Again, the Sim is easily distinguishable from its Arcade cousin. A Sim type race is a straight forward tactical race to the finish line. The Arcade racer prefers to explore a different route by allowing the driver to destroy other vehicles or use items readily available on the track to give you an advantage. There will be countless occasions where you will be metres away from the finishing line only to be taken out by a well placed rocket. You are then forced to grudgingly sit in your chair and take the mocking from your smug friend like a man.

6. The AI

The artificial intelligence in racing games normally follows these basic rules:
1. No matter how well you race another vehicle will always be on your tail, ready to overtake the very moment you fractionally misjudge a corner.
2. As soon as you purchase/win a new car there will always be a driver with a better one that you will have to race.

7. The Soundtrack

Both types of racer tend to suffer here. The developers of Arcade racers believe that the gamer wants to listen to bland pop-punk and lyrically mundane hip-hop beats (I’m looking directly at you EA). The bands signed are usually ones that had huge one hit wonders then fell from grace. Alien Ant Farm, Ms. Dynamite and Feeder immediately spring to mind.

***

Overall, the generic Racing game experience can be duplicated by placing an issue of Top Gear magazine, some paint, a ridiculously large spoiler and an old copy of Maxim in a blender on high setting. However, once every blue moon an innovative racer emerges out of relative obscurity offering diverse gameplay and sublime modes as it sits proudly atop the gaming charts for all to see. Be it Sim or Arcade, the gamer doesn’t really mind, so long as it has plenty of leg room and hasn’t done too much mileage, they’ll be happy.

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Extolling the Virtues of Oblivion

• Game: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
  
• Console: Xbox 360
  
• Developer: Bethesda
  
• Publisher: 2K Games
  
• Released: March 2006
  

First things first, Oblivion was my first trip into the world created by Bethesda in The Elder Scrolls. I had missed Morrowind before it despite people saying that it's the best thing since sliced cheese (because bread just don't cut it for me anymore). So, naturally, I was blown away at the impeccable level of detail in this game. Practically everything can be interacted with in some way. Everything in the game exists, it is tangible, if you pick up a gold coin, you can actually drop a literal, physical gold coin. If you pick up a mortar & pestle, you can drop a mortar & pestle. You can even use a mortar & pestle to create your own custom potions with the plants you can pick up (and can drop). No more items existing only in the ether of the game-world and if you did indeed drop them, come back later and they'll still be there. The world is one great inventory box. It may not be the best thing in gaming ever, but what I'm trying to get at is just how much care and attention has been put into this game.

Suffice to say, the rest of the game is much the same. There are tons of tiny little townships and villages that dot the land of Cyrodiil, and each one seems to have its own story. On my first play-through, I stopped off at an inn for the night in a tiny township, in the middle of nowhere, after a day of tiresome traveling (for my character, not me, I was loving it). I ignored the town-people's threats that I was not welcome there and headed up the wooden hill for some deeply deserved slumber. In the middle of the night, I was awoken by some crazed lunatic attacking me. I promptly disposed of him and fled. Much later, in the city of Chorrol, I heard rumours of a missing girl and went to speak to her mother, Seed-Neeus, who told me her daughter had gone missing while making a delivery to Hackdirt. I went to the village Seed-Neeus mentioned and discovered it to be the very same village I was attacked in as I slept. This stood out for me; by chance I discovered this village almost at random and created my own little story out of it. This happens throughout the game, time and time again. Although the main story is set out for you, you can create your own little world and story. Oblivion really lets the imagination fly.

Lush game-world? Check.

After creating your character, you start the game in prison for an unknown crime and with your only companion, the old lifer in the cell opposite, slinging insults at you. This doesn't last for long, though, as your cell is a secret exit from the Imperial City and needs to be used by the Emperor who appears to be in mortal danger. However, the Emperor notices you, and says he's seen you in his dreams. You follow the Emperor and his guards as they make their way through the secret dungeon. However, the assassins find and kill the Emperor, but not before he sends you off on the first part of the main story. After this, you're on your own. You escape the prison sewers and set off on your journey to keep the Dragonfires burning.

Before you exit the sewers, though, you can again edit your character's features and skills. What sets Oblivion apart from most other RPGs, is that you aren't given experience points when defeating enemies. Instead, for each of your characters skills, you get a bar which gradually fills up every time you do something associated with a skill. For instance, if you take damage while wearing heavy armour, your heavy armour bar will fill up. When it's completely full, you'll level-up in that skill. Once you have levelled-up enough in your major skills, your character will level-up. Each time you level-up, you are given a set amount of skill points you can add to your attributes, you'll get better weaponry and more money from looting, the challenge of the game will increase, and stronger enemies will appear. It's a system that works really well, and it gets you to do a lot of the things in the game that might have been overlooked otherwise. It can be a little confusing at first, but with a few hours of practice and after you've levelled-up a couple of times, you'll get into the swing of things.

You can fight either in 1st or 3rd person view, but 1st person is where it's at.

The main story will probably only take you about 15 hours to complete, but the huge amount (and quality) of the side-quests will have you playing this game for at least 100 hours. There are the side-quests you'll stumble upon, whether through talking to people or overhearing conversations, such as the aforementioned Hackdirt side-quest, but there are also the guilds. There's the Fighter's Guild, the Mage's Guild, the Arena, the Thieves' Guild and the Dark Brotherhood. Then there are the Daedric Shrines, the mines, the caves, the Ayleid ruins and the forts, each of these are like dungeons ranging from tiny to massive and are practically filled to the brim with gold and loot. Then there are the Oblivion Gates, which lead you to the titular realm of Oblivion, and contain expansive game worlds in themselves. There really is a heck of a lot stuffed in this game, and all of that is only the content that came on the disc. Factor in the downloadable content, and there's another 30 hours of gameplay added to the massive amount of play-time already.

It really is an immense game. It's completely compelling and comprehensively compulsive. It's crucial that you own or at least play this game. It's certainly not without its faults (like every other game) and it maybe showing its age a little now, but it's one of those games that really needs to be experienced by as many people as possible, and not just because Patrick Stewart and Terence Stamp are in it, the men with the Best Voices Ever™. What's more is that Bethesda are all set and ready to release their new game, Fallout 3, which promises as much as, if not more than, Oblivion. Heck, if it's half the size of Oblivion, it'll still be absolutely huge.

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Extolling the Virtues of Mass Effect

• Game: Mass Effect
  
• Console: Xbox 360
  
• Developer: BioWare
  
• Publisher: Microsoft
• Released: November 2007
  

As big a problem I have with certain aspects of Mass Effect, I do love it very much indeed. Something I really wasn't expecting from the same team as Knights of the Old Republic. Although KotOR isn't a bad game at all, I seemed to trudge through the 40+ hours of it without ever enjoying any of it, until perhaps near the end. So, no, Mass Effect wasn't a game I ever expected to enjoy as much as I eventually did, which is indeed a rather nice surprise. In fact, I knew I was playing something special as soon as I started Mass Effect, quite the opposite of KotOR. The opening cinematic that introduced the character you'd just spent about 20 minutes creating really set the scene for just how awesome they were going to become over the course of the game. I knew immediately that I could expect a lot better from this than from KotOR.

But enough of KotOR, that's Star Wars territory; Mass Effect is set in our very own galaxy (The Milky Way, in case you didn't know) about 180 years into the future. It's all so very in-depth and rather believable … or most of it is, at least. Mass Effect explains how almost everything in the game works; from your guns, to your shield, to your 'biotic' powers. Reams and reams of text - some of it narrated. Why, you ask? Because this is the kind of thing that gets Sci-Fi nuts hornier than when they see Klingon cosplay porn. But if you don't want to enter the kingdom of the fat, spotty, love-starved virgin 30 year-olds, then you don't have to, as most of this stuff is very easily ignorable. Now, I'm not a complete geek, but I admit I am a completionist (meaning that when I play a game, I want to see and do everything - at least to the limits of my gaming ability), so I read nearly all of it and damn, it's actually quite interesting when it isn't flying over the top of my head at 70,000Kpc/s.

You can land on quite a few planets and check out the scenery. Some of it really is quite stunning.

Then there's the actual game and, boy, is it epic. After the first couple of hours of gameplay, you're given the freedom to choose where you want to go next, provided you know of the system you want to explore. You're given missions that are essential to the plot and side-missions, which, while they lack the cinematic flair and dazzling locations of the plot-based missions, still serve to extend the life of the game well past the 20-hour mark. It's in the plot-based missions where Mass Effect really comes to life, though. The worlds you explore vary greatly in terms of setting, whether you're stranded on a skyscraper laden planet under attack by the self-aware cyborg AI Geth or conducting an investigation into the apparently dubious experiments a shady multi-global company is doing on a freezing ice-world.

It might be an RPG through and through, but the battle system is notable only by its apparent absence. This is a good thing, as there is definitely a battle system in there, it's just that it's completely seamless to the rest of the game, it's played in real-time and, most importantly, it's a shoot 'em up. Yes, there's none of that nonsensical turn-based fighting in this game, it's full-on blasting action. Grenades, sniper rifles, shotguns, assault rifles, pistols, biotic powers, technological warfare; it's all in here, and it works great. There's even a cover-system and recharging health. It's kind of like Gears of War, but without the burly and incredibly ugly men running around and grunting.

See, it's a 3rd person shooter. A 3rd person, RPG, space-opera, conversation-simulation, shooter.

Now, regarding the sex scene - even though it's not particularly titillating, I see it as big step forward for the gaming industry. It's handled pretty much like how films handle it; getting to know each other, flirting, sexual tension and then they get intimate. It doesn't seem contrived, at all. There's build-up to it all the way through the game, leading to your choice between the human male or female or the female alien. Even then, it's entirely optional. If you don't fancy seeing your man or woman making-out with a bald, blue-skinned girl with no ears, then you don't have to. Then there's the fact that there's barely any flesh on show, a bum shot and perhaps a bit of side-boob, but it's mainly just naked kissing. The controversy it garnered is really quite baffling after you've experienced it for yourself, even more so if you wonder how God of War got away with its nipple-showing threesome, replete with button combos and moaning.

The choice over who you make 'the beast with two backs' with is only one of several choices you make in Mass Effect, and each of them has their own consequences. The biggest choice comes at the end of the game, which directly affects the ending you get. Moreover, the decisions you make in the game will carry onto Mass Effect 2, along with your character, and seeing as Mass Effect is set to become a trilogy, these decisions will carry on into, and possibly find closure, in Mass Effect 3. So, even if you have finished Mass Effect, know that it is only the end of the beginning, which is an exciting thought.

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