Monday, 28 December 2009

All You Ever Needed to Know!

(About PC gaming.)

A Guest Article by Mr Party Hat

No-one wants to play PC games. Not really. Your mouse is covered in hand-jam, your keyboard is infested with bits of toilet roll from an attempt to mop up the latest batch of semen, the heat of your graphics card pushes the room temperature beyond the realms of human acceptability and, ultimately, it costs too much. But what if you want to sound informed on The Internet? How can you hope to be taken seriously by the people who really matter – forum geeks – if you don’t know your Empire: Total War from your Empire Earth?

You can’t. That’s how is how it is is how it is.

Which is where I come in! My mouse is hand-jam free, I rarely masturbate near my keyboard (I store it up for scientific experiments) I have a water-cooled graphics card that keeps my room cool and, crucially, I shop at Aldi, leaving mucho funds (that’s Spanish, keep up) for PC gaming. So sit back, take your hand off your mouse (that’s how the hand-jam gets there) and prepare to be enlightened by morsels of PC Gaming for the Educated Gentleman.

Liam, why should I buy a gaming PC? Wouldn’t the money be better spent on prostitutes?

That depends on several factors. Firstly, the sex economy in your area. If you live in a weak sexconomy, you can expect to pay as little as £20 for a blowjob in a KFC car-park. Poor sexconomies are determined not by demand, but by the physiognomic attractiveness of your area’s prostitutes. If they are rough [Latin name: Skank-ass-hos] then you can expect more bang for your buck. Examples of such regions – Milton Keynes, and other places as grim as Milton Keynes. In these instances, forget PC gaming. For the price of a decent gaming rig you can buy 35 blowjobs. If, however, you live in an area not populated by “skank-ass-hos”, PC gaming becomes a genuine alternative to paying for sex.

Liam, aren’t PC games just dodgy ports of 360 games?

If you had said this two years ago, I would have tracked you down and cum in your porridge. Unfortunately, [booming voice] The Recession [/booming voice] has brought about the apparent halt of console gaming. By the time the original Xbox was the same age as the 360 is now, it had already been dead for over a year. And there is absolutely no sign of the next generation. In-fact, Microsoft are readying a relaunch of the same hardware, with the help of paedophile trainer Milo and Natal.

This sudden halt has caused the PC gaming market to stagnate. Publishers have grown to rely on the homogenisation of PC and console games. Why create a gloriously cutting edge piece of wonderment exclusively for the PC when it’s only going to sell 30,000 copies in its first week (Crysis)? Much better if you simply port a successful console game, removing 80% of the work and quadrupling the profits. And so, PC gamers have been forced to wait. Crysis 2 (PC Exclusive, DX11) becomes Crysis 2 (360, PS3, PC). Cut down to portions manageable by the weakest link and then churned back onto PC, a shadow of its potential self. Our cutting edge rigs are sighing as they use an iota of their potential to render Resident Evil 5, Mirror’s Edge and Arkham Asylum. They grit their quad-cores as we connect to Xbox Live to upload our Gamerscores, sealing the homogenisation with one more sticky fanboy wank.

Liam, is PC gaming completely dead, then?

I’ve watched enough Lost to know that you don’t blow all your load in one go. Tune in next time I have a spare ten minutes to find out if I really think PC gaming is DOOMED!!!, and which developers are doing their best to salvage it.

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