Review - Football Manager 2010

A Guest Review by Barry Burton

• Game: Football Manager 2010
• Format: Microsoft Windows
• Other Formats: Mac OS X, PSP
• Developer: Sports Interactive
• Publisher: Sega
• Genre: Sports Strategy

It’s the eighty-fifth minute of a vital table-topping clash away to Manchester City, and my Manchester United squad is currently deadlocked with its rivals at 1-1. At such a vital stage of the season – what pundits, armchair critics and general football tosspots like to call ‘the business end’ – a victory would represent not only a major scalp for a United side tipped by most for, at best, a solid mid-table finish, but a major psychological boost to a squad whose recent form, following a storming beginning to the season, has been inconsistent.

I am satisfied with my changes.

Click.

YEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! You bastard!

2 – 1. Two to one. Two FUCKING one.

If you’re wondering why the above sentences are so short, it’s simple – they are typed as I play, and with every ounce of my brain sweating, every electrical impulse hard-wired and every cell containing a formation, a player stat or a training schedule, there is little left over for such frivolities as articulacy and explanation. (The use of the words ‘frivolities’ and ‘articulacy’ in that sentence, incidentally, coincides with the conclusion of the derby fixture; a 2-1 win for the home side, a victory for – fancy this! – the underdogs of United and the pure, flowing football drilled into the side by scholarly manager Barry Burton.)

With that all-important fixture satisfactorily concluded, we can crack on with the review. I would say the review of the game, but Football Manager is more than a game. It’s more than a game about more than a game. It’s a metagame squared. What it is… well. What it is, those of you who ‘get’ it will be able to explain to yourselves. To the uninitiated, Football Manager 2010 is nothing more than a fancy database with a graphical skin and, in a frivolous concession to aesthetics of the sort that have been embedded more and more within the thing in the last decade, a 3D match simulator. And objectively, they’d be right. But, much like football itself, Football Manager 2010 does funny things. It is more than the sum of its parts. Like football, it can be uplifting, it can be crushing, it can be depressingly dull or thrillingly tense. It can be anything.

Unlike most games, there is no ‘end’ to Football Manager 2010. There is no way to complete the game; it simply continues, on into the future, for as long as the player dares to engage. The beauty of it is that there’s always a new twist around the corner - there’s always something to keep you going. There’ll always be another wonderkid, another challenge to set yourself, another project to nurture. The game’s boundaries are set entirely by the player, and the player himself tests himself within those boundaries. For a game that is at once so simple and yet so tantalisingly complex, this is tantamount to giving a 12-year-old a vault filled with sweets; he just wants to try everything, to keep going and keep pushing himself till he’s completely and utterly sated. And then he wants to do it again, and again, and again; pretty soon, he’s sporting a not inconsiderable paunch and can barely move from his chair. But I digress…

If you can find something witty to say about this screenshot, then don't be shy.

There has been little talk, amongst the conjecture and the waffle, of what the bleeding Hell this game is actually like to play. It’s difficult to describe the interface and the tools at the player’s disposal without referring back to previous games, but here goes: The transfers are more realistic than ever, and now other teams will actually bid for your players after you’ve transfer listed them; the 3D match engine is rubbish, an irrelevance, a distraction from the task at hand; player stats seem to be lower even than in the 2009 edition of the game, and the more seasons you play, the worse the standard of player seems to get, a strange pattern that really ought to be patched, either by makers Sports Interactive or by some obsessive bastard with too much time on his hands;  some nice new touches have been added, like stadia being renamed after club legends. The overall ‘feel’ of the game is of a game that is quicker and easier to click through than the 2009 edition, but that is still bloated when compared to the iterations of my childhood. Damn that match engine and damn that pretty game skin!

Those of you who have never played a Football Manager (or Championship Manager pre-2004) game will most likely have no idea what I’m on about, and most likely won’t care either.  You’ll never know the almost paternal feeling of pride that comes from one of your youth team graduates flourishing; never know the feeling of tension that comes with a vital relegation six-pointer; never know the feeling of satisfaction when all of your side’s plans for the season come to fruition.

Or at least, you won’t unless you’re a football fan. Football Manager is the football fan’s dream. Every football fan knows that if only he were in charge, if only he picked the team and set the tactics, things would be better for his team. Football Manager 2010, as it always has done and always will, takes this fantasy and makes it, if not real, then certainly…

Ah, fuck it. It’s real to me. Manchester United 2 – 1 Manchester City. There, on my hard drive, for all eternity.

Click.

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TGN Game of the Year 2009

It's 2010 so, naturally, we look back at the previous year in various different ways. The most popular form seems to be all over the TV in the form of list shows, but they're inexpensive to make and get good viewing figures (I think), so I'm going to conform to that because I'm pretty bored, and the Blog hasn't had a new article all year (hurr-durr). SO! I went into the GotY thread on TGN and tallied up the "votes" and came to a really unsurprising conclusion. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm bored.

Now, the nature of the thread means that this is all pretty sketchy, as Mr Party Hat couldn't select a single game, so he told everyone to list 5 and most did, though some only mentioned one, and one person put down 10. But it seems to work regardless of that (as per usual on TGN), certainly, my GotY hit the top spot. A bunch of games were only mentioned once, so I got rid of them for the countdown. I ended up with a Top 8. At least it's an even number…

8
Tales of Vesperia
2 votes

I haven't played this, yet, so I'll hand it over to quotes from the thread.

Master hunter:
"An example of how JRPG's should be done. Addictive story, likeable characters, awesome soundtrack, nice length, and I can't think of where they took a step wrong besides having unskippable cutscenes."

Falco:
"Truly awesome experience. The fighting just worked, there were some unreasonably tough sections but the majority was do-able with challenge. On the second play-through it made you feel like God.


…it was simply a joy to play, and a truly epic experience."

7

Ghostbusters: The Video Game

2 votes

I've waxed lyrical about this game on TGN, or at least if I haven't I bloody well should have done. No, I definitely think I have. You see, it's Ghostbusters and it's a video game, but it's a damn fine video-game. Prior to its eventual and troubled release there was a feeling in the air that it might be a bit rubbish, as with most licensed games, but it really isn't. The ghost trapping is spot-on and it's incredibly fun, too, and the cast is there in their entirety… almost. You've got all the Ghostbusters, Janine and even dickless himself, Walter Peck. Only Dana and Louis are missing, but that's not really a problem. It's not as funny as the movies and certainly not as quotable as the first, but it's got a lot of legs, as you'll find on your third or fourth play-through. It's also got a fairly well-done and enjoyable multiplayer, even if it's a little difficult to get into a game with a friend. Then there's the fan-service; it references the film almost non-stop throughout the game, whether it's a dancing toaster or the portrait of Vigo (who will admonish you should you approach him), to the brilliant boss-battle with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and the back-story given to the Gray Lady, the very first spectre the 'Busters encounter. Fantastic.

6

Borderlands

2 votes

Mr Party Hat:
"There isn't much that can be said about Borderlands that hasn't already been shouted from the forum-tops by an adoring Internet. It has more satisfying gunplay than any FPS released all year, perfects WoW's loot fetishism in a way even other MMOs struggle to do and is set in a strikingly pretty world. Above all else though, and perhaps more than any other console game this year, it was created out of the developer's desire to do so, rather than financial necessity, and this comes through in every acid bleeding, blood splattered, shotgun wielding Badass Midget Psycho."

Enough said, I think.

5

Assassin's Creed 2

3 votes

Now, this only got two mentions in the thread, but I got it for Christmas and I'm adding a vote for me. I haven't even completed it yet, but I'm absolutely loving it.

Apocalypse Dude:
"A perfect example of how exactly to do a sequel. They took on board everything that was criticised from the first game and corrected it, improved everything that was already great, and then threw a heap of new stuff in on top. Utterly superb.


Also, best last boss ever."

I can't say anything at all about the last boss, but I've played enough to know just how good a game AC2 is. It takes a while to get into the game proper, but it's a testament to how good a game it is that it doesn't matter, as you'll still have a lot of fun. The parkour elements are just as fun as ever, and I found myself climbing the tallest buildings just for the sake of it. There's nothing like the immense sense of satisfaction to be garnered from pulling off a perfectly executed assassination without being seen and without your notoriety going up.

4

Street Fighter IV

3 votes

A game I've got and have played, but not a game I've played a lot or know much about. I do know it's got fantastic graphics, and what I did play was a lot of fun. Here's a couple of quotes:

Boss Man:
"Brings the classic characters and gameplay from what we loved from SFII. Got this game when it came out and I'm still playing it today."

Stifler:
"Surprised only Boss Man has mentioned it so far, given that it was officially declared as GOTY 2009 when we did the 2008 thread last year


Can't fault it, aside from the lack of an online spectators lobby...looking forward to Super SFIV fixing that though (and adding in Cody!...GOTY 2010 for sure!)"

3

Uncharted 2

3 votes

Mr Party Hat:
"So beautiful it makes me want to get my cock out, so I've got a third eye to watch it with."

I'd like to leave it at that, but I have to add more stuff in so the box-art doesn't get messed up with the next game.

Android18a:
"For me, this is unquestionably the Game Of The Year. Surpassing the original Uncharted in almost every aspect, Uncharted 2 is a blooming masterpiece from start to finish. Stunningly rendered locations, the best acting on a videogame to date, and a fantastic action-adventure romp.


Perhaps most impressive is the almost complete lack of filler. No endless repeating corridors, no copy-and-paste areas, and none of those endless waves of enemies from the original game. You're always moving forwards, and there's something round every corner. A fast moving river to cross, a collapsing bridge, being chased by a tank, scaling to the top of a ruined luxury hotel… every single minute is gold. With the possible exception of a slightly cheap final boss."

2

Batman: Arkham Asylum

6 votes

Ah, finally, a game I can talk about. Arkham Asylum is pretty much as perfect as a game can get. It's challenging without being unfair, the story is entertaining and thrilling without going over the top or being too convoluted, the graphics are superb and there are close to no glitches whatsoever. It makes you feel like Batman; you spend most of the game using your grappling hook to get into vantage spots to take out the enemy in the most impressive or efficient way. It's a joy to finally play a game and know that whenever you get hurt, it's pretty much your own fault completely. It must be possible to go through the whole game even on the hardest difficulty and not get hurt at all. That's one of the beautiful things about Arkham Asylum, it never gets frustrating and stays at the right side of challenging throughout. Whenever Batman gets hurt, it's because you've fucked up. You never feel like you've been harshly done by, and whilst there might be times when you'll get a bit angry, it'll only be anger directed toward yourself, never to the game. You might say something like "how the hell was I supposed to know that was going to happen", but deep down, you'll know you did something wrong and could easily have stopped it from happening were you looking in the right direction or what have you.

Every part of this game and every part of Arkham Asylum has been paid so much attention to, it's surprising when you realise that it was made by a little known developer from London whose only previous game was Urban Chaos: Riot Response on the PS2. No, I've never heard of it, either. I can't wait to see what Rocksteady are up to nex– oh, wait Arkham Asylum 2! Sweet.

Number 1

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

7 votes

Predictable? Yes, but as you can see from the votes, it only just won. Undeserved? Definitely not. While the single-player story might be a bit of a mess, it's not so much about the story but rather the situations the game puts you in. In a recent interview with Gametrailers.com, some of Infinity Ward's lead designers talked about the process of the story's development, and said that they had an idea of a bunch of different set-pieces, then crafted the story around that. You can see that quite clearly, as set-pieces such as invading the Gulag, scaling a glacier and the infamous 'No Russian' level are talked about far more than the actual story. Even with all that said, the single-player campaign is, for most people, only about 10% of the actual game. It's the multi-player that makes up the reason this game is so lauded. It's predecessor, Call of Duty 4, was so good it dominated Xbox Live play-time over the likes of Halo 3 and Gears of War, but Modern Warfare 2 makes CoD4 obsolete in every way shape or form.

At first, even to CoD4 veterans, the sheer amount of new perks, killstreak rewards, deathstreak perks, weapons, weapon add-ons, equipment, challenges, callsigns and game modes can be overwhelming. Once I first started playing the multi-player, I didn't know where to start, and found myself just staring at the screen with my mouth agape. After a few games, though, I was squeaking down my microphone at my friends with sheer delight as I tried out the new care-packages and called in a Precision Airstrike. The amount of times in CoD4 where I've lamented a perfectly placed airstrike missing every opponent because of the random angle the airstrike came in at. Now you have full control over where it strikes and where it comes from. But this isn't even the best killstreak reward; the AC-130 might not be the most effective form of air-support, but it sure is fun and the Chopper Gunner is just ruthless, with a cannon that unloads molten death onto anyone you care to aim at. Then you've got the Nuke. The End Game in its purest form. Incredibly satisfying to use, especially when you're on the losing team. It sounds a little unfair, but, believe me, if you can get a 25 killstreak, you deserve to win the game. I haven't even mentioned Spec-Ops yet, and I can't bothered to, either.

So, there we have it. 2009's best games as (kind of) decided by the gloriously proportioned members of TGN. 2010 will probably be better…

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All You Ever Needed to Know!

(About PC gaming.)

A Guest Article by Mr Party Hat

No-one wants to play PC games. Not really. Your mouse is covered in hand-jam, your keyboard is infested with bits of toilet roll from an attempt to mop up the latest batch of semen, the heat of your graphics card pushes the room temperature beyond the realms of human acceptability and, ultimately, it costs too much. But what if you want to sound informed on The Internet? How can you hope to be taken seriously by the people who really matter – forum geeks – if you don’t know your Empire: Total War from your Empire Earth?

You can’t. That’s how is how it is is how it is.

Which is where I come in! My mouse is hand-jam free, I rarely masturbate near my keyboard (I store it up for scientific experiments) I have a water-cooled graphics card that keeps my room cool and, crucially, I shop at Aldi, leaving mucho funds (that’s Spanish, keep up) for PC gaming. So sit back, take your hand off your mouse (that’s how the hand-jam gets there) and prepare to be enlightened by morsels of PC Gaming for the Educated Gentleman.

Liam, why should I buy a gaming PC? Wouldn’t the money be better spent on prostitutes?

That depends on several factors. Firstly, the sex economy in your area. If you live in a weak sexconomy, you can expect to pay as little as £20 for a blowjob in a KFC car-park. Poor sexconomies are determined not by demand, but by the physiognomic attractiveness of your area’s prostitutes. If they are rough [Latin name: Skank-ass-hos] then you can expect more bang for your buck. Examples of such regions – Milton Keynes, and other places as grim as Milton Keynes. In these instances, forget PC gaming. For the price of a decent gaming rig you can buy 35 blowjobs. If, however, you live in an area not populated by “skank-ass-hos”, PC gaming becomes a genuine alternative to paying for sex.

Liam, aren’t PC games just dodgy ports of 360 games?

If you had said this two years ago, I would have tracked you down and cum in your porridge. Unfortunately, [booming voice] The Recession [/booming voice] has brought about the apparent halt of console gaming. By the time the original Xbox was the same age as the 360 is now, it had already been dead for over a year. And there is absolutely no sign of the next generation. In-fact, Microsoft are readying a relaunch of the same hardware, with the help of paedophile trainer Milo and Natal.

This sudden halt has caused the PC gaming market to stagnate. Publishers have grown to rely on the homogenisation of PC and console games. Why create a gloriously cutting edge piece of wonderment exclusively for the PC when it’s only going to sell 30,000 copies in its first week (Crysis)? Much better if you simply port a successful console game, removing 80% of the work and quadrupling the profits. And so, PC gamers have been forced to wait. Crysis 2 (PC Exclusive, DX11) becomes Crysis 2 (360, PS3, PC). Cut down to portions manageable by the weakest link and then churned back onto PC, a shadow of its potential self. Our cutting edge rigs are sighing as they use an iota of their potential to render Resident Evil 5, Mirror’s Edge and Arkham Asylum. They grit their quad-cores as we connect to Xbox Live to upload our Gamerscores, sealing the homogenisation with one more sticky fanboy wank.

Liam, is PC gaming completely dead, then?

I’ve watched enough Lost to know that you don’t blow all your load in one go. Tune in next time I have a spare ten minutes to find out if I really think PC gaming is DOOMED!!!, and which developers are doing their best to salvage it.

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Review - Assassin's Creed II

• Game: Assassin's Creed 2
• Format: Xbox 360
• Other Formats: PC, PS3
• Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
  
• Publisher: Ubisoft
  
• Genre: Third Person Adventure

The first Assassin's Creed was a game with great potential - the Prince of Persia-style free running allowed you to climb any building then leap into a conveniently placed haystack at the bottom. Then there was the crowd-based stealth system that when used properly could let you walk right up to your target, stab him, and walk away before the guards even noticed he was dead. All this was tied up with a plot that could best be described as "The Da Vinci Code if Dan Brown wasn't a talentless hack" and the truly revolutionary concept of using a historical setting that was neither World War II nor ancient Rome.

Note the lack of Nazi gladiators.

Despite this potential, there were a number of major flaws that prevented it from being a truly great game. But now two years on, the sequel is here and provides one of the best examples in years of how to address the flaws of a game and bring the concept forwards.

The story kicks off right where the first game ended. Desmond is rescued from Abstergo by the modern Assassins and put into an upgraded version of the Animus. Once there he begins to relive the life of his ancestor Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a 15th century Italian nobleman who, much like Altaïr, is also a behooded Batman wannabe fighting to stop the Knights Templar from stealing the powers of Space Jesus. It makes sense in context. This change of character brings with it a new setting in the form of five cities in Renaissance Italy.

The dialogue è ormai casualmente switch between English e Italiano. Accendere i sottotitoli. Requiescat in pace.

The most obvious flaw in the original game was the dull mission structure, with constantly repeated missions involving such thrilling jobs as pickpocketing or sitting on a bench. The sequel does its best to address this problem, with much more variety in the missions and more cinematic set-pieces. There are also a number of underground tombs that allow you to make the most of Ezio's parkour skills. Having said all this, there are still too many "very slowly walk after this guy" missions (i.e. more than zero).

And the improvements extend further than the mission structure, to the point where it is hard to think of a single criticism of the first game that hasn't been addressed to some extent. Lack of reward for finding things? Collection increases the value of your villa and hence your income, plus there are proper unlockables for finding enough hidden feathers. Instant death water? You can now not only swim, but make sneaky takedowns from the water's edge. Not enough answers regarding the metaplot? Two sidequests give plenty of information about both the Assassins and Templars, and the ending is essentially a chain of massive revelations.

Non-instakill water. Really useful when you're in Venice.

There are still a few problems though. Having to keep returning to the villa to pick up money is a pain, especially as it involves a loading screen and usually a fairly long walk. In addition, despite improvements the combat still pales in comparison to something like Batman: Arkham Asylum. There are a number of new moves, but the all-powerful counter attack is still enough to defeat just about any enemy. This combined with enemies that politely attack one at a time means that battles often degenerate into holding the block button and waiting for an opportunity to counter.

All in all, this is the game we should have got two years ago, and means the series now actually deserves the level of success it has received. There are a few things left to be ironed out, but if the inevitable Assassin's Creed III has the same dedication to addressing its failings then it could be a true classic.

Score:
8/10

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Review - Burnout Paradise: Ultimate Box

• Game: Burnout Paradise - Ultimate Box
• Format: Xbox 360
• Other Formats: PS3, PC
• Developer: Criterion Games
• Publisher: Electronic Arts
• Genre: Racing, Sandbox

Early 2008 saw the arrival of Criterion’s Burnout Paradise – a balls-to-the-wall, adrenaline-fuelled arcade racer that scrapped the menus for a free-roaming city with which to confound and annoy you. Upon lending yourself to the city for a few hours however, you soon found that navigating the twisty-turny streets like a twisty-turny thing became second nature, so fans of the game should feel right at home with the expansions as they are set once again in this ‘paradise’.

Wayne has already covered the core game and it’s assets in his review way back when, so I won’t go treading on his street-racing tippy toes… too much. The Ultimate Box contains the main Burnout Paradise game, with the inclusion of all the current updates and the free Burnout Bikes, in conjunction with the Party Pack – a pay-for add-on for offline multiplayer. From the offset you can see the transformation in the front-end menus as you are given the option to select ‘Burnout Bikes’ and the old favourite ‘Robotically-Controlled Driverless Cars’. As well as this, EA have jumped in with their big ‘online stick of internetz’ and offered the gift of a bulletin board detailing updates to the Burnout community and a nice little calendar detailing events to look out for – all while Paradise City loads.

Naturally, ever being the social stud that I am, I delved into the single-player Burnout Bikes as my first port of call, choosing the needlessly busty female rider in a fetching pink suit to tear some asphalt. What you notice from the word ‘go’ is the intense speed that is available to you from the off. The bikes pack a punch and it certainly gets the adrenaline flowing. It’s been a while Burnout, I’ve missed you like a fat kid misses cake. The good news is that the bikes handle very differently to their four-wheeled counterparts and it definitely feels fresh, even if you do miss boosting. You see, apparently the bikes go fast enough as it is, so there is no need for them to ever boost, making the ‘A’ button redundant in this mode. While perhaps leveling the playing field from wavy mounds to a smooth camber for those new to the genre, it does however render the tricks and stunts rather pointless as they only endanger your race rather than giving any sort of reward.

One of the biggest letdowns with the bikes mode that became immediately apparent is the lack of any sort of ‘oomf’ to the crashes. Instead of hurtling your twin-airbag parading avatar several miles into a particularly painfully placed lamp-post as your bike crumples to the size and texture of an Oxo Cube, you are left staring at an invincible vehicle sliding carelessly along the floor with your magical rider having teleported off-screen out of harm’s way. For a series that parades itself on sweet-ass crash physics, this came somewhat as a shock when all I wanted to see was some humorous ragdolls thrown into traffic when I ballsed up for the umpteenth time.

Overall, Burnout Bikes is exactly what Criterion says it is – an add-on. There are nice little touches - such as half the events on the map being available at night and the other half being available during the day – but the mode as a whole is weaker as a stand-alone game when compared to the majesty of Burnout Cars; especially when you can drive the Delorean (for a small fee of Microsoft Points). Each event seems more like a lonely time trial rather than a ‘race’ and you’ll find yourself coming back to the screeching tires of the four-wheeled exemplars soon enough.

Here we see 'Jez' driving up the brown slope

A quick flex of my thumb and forefinger to twist the volume up on my speakers instantaneously created a crowd of friends to huddle into my room – and so we come to the Burnout Party Pack. A mode for up to eight players sees you and your acquaintances passing the controller around and taking it in turns to beat each other’s score. For some reason the menu aesthetics have been completely revamped for this addition and the game suddenly looks even more colourful than before, resembling a scene from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, and very aptly setting a ‘party’ atmosphere without killing-off small children in every scene. From the player-naming menu thingy, you are given the option of how many rounds you and your chums would like to compete in, from one to eight in three categories. ‘Speed’, being the obvious from a racing game; ‘Stunt’, having you rather unimaginatively clamouring through the air over an object; and ‘Skill’ seeing you showboating in any way possible to garner enough points to rub in the unsuspecting face of your compadres like the streaker at a sleepover.

Out of these modes, ‘Stunt’ is probably the weakest, as it just requires either a pass or fail attempt and, unlike the other two modes, completely trashing the expected score will get you no further than just getting by with the requirements. A problem that I find with the party pack is not so much a qualm with the formula, but that fact that I cannot choose a specific event to replay at my whim. A particular favourite of mine involved power-sliding round a monument for as long as possible, but as far as I can tell, this will only come up randomly out of the ‘Skill’ category for a round. While not a structural weakness in the building that is Party Pack, it would be nice to have a supporting beam or two in the form of extra options. As expansions go though, the Party Pack delivers a wealth of content that’s more perfect for playing with friends than naked Twister.

Overall, the Ultimate Box is exactly what it says on the tin. You take an updated version of an already great game, add in a couple expansions as well as a great little party mode, stick them into a bowl, and mix the funk out of them. What do you have? An updated version of Burnout Paradise with a couple of expansions and a great little party mode… in a bowl.

Single Player Score – 9
Multiplayer Score - 9

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